Calm, Cool, and Collected: Communication in Conflict

How do you remain calm, cool, and collected when conflicts escalate?

We’ve all been there: encountering someone in a fit of road rage; a neighbor upset about another neighbor’s transgression; dealing with a beloved toddler in the middle of a melt-down. Typically, we ignore such bad behavior, waiting for it to resolve itself. But, these may be prime opportunities to practice de-escalation techniques and communication skills.

Generally speaking, we trust that our co-workers are capable of resolving conflicts and able to avoid crisis in the workplace. If a situation does escalate, equipped and available managers step in. But consider this: according to the most recent report by the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH), over 20,000 workers experienced trauma from workplace violence in 2018.

How does this happen?

Conflict Escalation

Multiple factors can escalate a situation, including:

  • Physical: Pain/illness, sleep deprivation, low blood sugar/dehydration, prescription changes
  • Mental or cognitive: Unhelpful thoughts/thinking patterns, negative perceptions, critical inner voice
  • Emotional: Pre-existing mood disorders, past trauma, etc.
  • Social: Lack of healthy support network, isolation
  • Environmental: Visual or auditory triggers, audience
  • Spiritual: Sense of connection to higher power or that which offers hope, faith, purpose

While a crisis is not typically caused by one event, there is often a tipping point. Most common is the death of a significant other, loss of a relationship, loss of work, homelessness, or cabin fever. A crisis occurs when people perceive that they have encountered insurmountable obstacles to their goals, their life cycle or routine is significantly disrupted, and they have no appropriate method to manage their situation. In other words, they believe they have no way through, around, or out of their perceived situation.

Communication in Conflict: Shift Your Goals

Whenever emotions are involved, communication can get tricky. It happens often: at home, in public, and at work. When people disagree, feel un-heard, or feel invalidated, a conversation can go off track.

The goals of the communication shift to de-escalation can be summarized into three objectives: 

  • Gain equilibrium/stabilization
    • This may involve identifying and removing anything that reinforces aggressive behavior.
    • Help the other party(s) identify reasons to calm down.
  • Cognitive
    • Help the other party gain control of their thoughts (and behavior).
    • Help the other party gain a sense of control.
  • Psychosocial
    • Assess internal and external exacerbating and mitigating factors.
    • Identify and choose workable alternatives.

It’s important to remember that not everyone responds the same way to threats or a crisis. For example, they might be in a flight, fight, or freeze mode, or a combination in a wide variety of degrees. There is no one “normal” range of behaviors.

De-escalation requires self-awareness of our own perceptions and assumptions, and a curious, non-judgmental mindset. Here are a few techniques that can help.

8 De-escalation Techniques

  • Be professional, and respect personal space. This can vary from person-to-person, so be sensitive to physical, confidential, and social-distance space.
  • Use non-threatening body language: stand-to -side, rather than square to other. Speak in a calm, quiet, and low(er) tone.
  • Focus on feelings. Listen, watch, and reflect. “It sounds like you are feeling…”
  • Set limits. Help identify options, choices, and consequences.
  • Ignore challenging questions. Avoid taking the bait.
  • Choose wisely in stretching rules, boundaries, and battles.
  • Allow for time.
  • Be empathetic and non-judgmental.

Communication in Conflict: Trust the Process

While there are no quick fixes when communicating during conflict, you can trust a proven process.

In Walking Through Anger: A New Design for Confronting Conflict in an Emotionally Charged World (Sounds True, October 2019), Christian Conte, PhD, shares his philosophy and evidence-based model for change called Yield Theory. This framework is designed to help anyone see the world from the perspective of another with empathy, compassion, and non-attachment, replacing any ego-driven perception of a situation (or person in a heightened emotional state).

As Conte describes it, Yield Theory Compassion is the “cornerstone of communication.” It allows leaders, managers, and colleagues to de-escalate and work through conflict without aggression or submission.

According to Conte, practicing Yield Theory involves a “constant navigation toward the position of the other” through three steps:

  • Listen: hear what is being said, verbally and non-verbally.
  • Validate: validate the feelings of the person in a heightened emotional state. Validation is only effective (and has occurred) if the subject feels validated.
  • Explore Options: explore all options and consequences of each option. Persons in a heightened emotional state often have a narrow focus, a type of tunnel vision. This is the time to introduce a macro-vision, a wider range of options, and allow for choice in behavior or actions. In essence, you are creating a safe-space that de-escalates a situation.

7 Communication Skills

This process relies on seven key communication skills to build trust:

  • Acceptance: be accepting of others and yourself (strengths, limits, and emotional/cognitive states).
  • Authenticity: be true to yourself in order to be truly available to others.
  • Compassion: be aware and understand how others are feeling.
  • Conscious education: check-in and monitor your physical being to prevent transferring internal stress into external accusation.
  • Creativity: be open, curious, and of a growth mindset.
  • Mindfulness: be mindfully and totally present. Avoid the five errors of communication:
    • Approach: be self-aware of tone, non-verbal cues, space, etc.
    • Interpretation: be aware of cultural differences, opportunities to project, blind-spots/bias, etc.
    • Judgment
    • Language
    • Omnipotence
  • Nonattachment: let go of any pre-determined outcomes to achieve the de-escalation goals. Be responsible and accountable for self and don’t take statements personally.

Communication in Conflict: If, When, and How

Attempting to intervene in a situation of road rage is never a good idea. It’s best to contact the authorities when it is safe to do so. Any situation involving a weapon (be it a car or any deadly object) should be managed by a trained specialist.

Then there are the situations when our emotions have exceeded our rationality. It happens with people we don’t know and people we know well: colleagues, friends, neighbors, and family. This is when a conflict can quickly escalate; we get hooked by our natural mimic reflex making it more difficult to disengage. In that case, walking away or postponing the conversation may be the best option.

Do’s

Here are a few tips to use this method of de-escalation and strengthen the relationship:

  • Take a physical step aside. Visualize insults passing by, missing you.
  • Talk about the process, not about the message. “I hear you are angry. I feel angry. I don’t want to raise my voice with you as it won’t be productive. I need to take a break. Can we talk about this at ___ (time).”  If you need more time to gain your equilibrium, ask for it.
  • Meet as agreed. Focus on common goals or interests.

Don’ts

  • Don’t ignore anger (yours or others), rather acknowledge it.
  • Don’t take someone else’s anger personally. Even if it is about you, recognize your own feelings about the issue, and remain calm (non-attached.)
  • Don’t feed someone’s anger by trying to stop it, rather, create a safe place to properly voice feelings.

Workplace Conflicts and Crisis

Every employer should have a Workplace Violence Prevention Plan tailored for their organization. A robust plan reflects their type of business/service and the clients they serve, resources, physical layout, organizational culture, and communication and training expectations. While it may be uncomfortable or unpleasant, all employees should participate in periodic violence prevention training to strengthen their knowledge and confidence.

The Matter of Business Ethics

We are making great strides in corporate social responsibility. Many reflect changes in business policies and practices. But when it comes to business ethics, are we really improving?

Consider this: almost 120 years ago, German socialist, economist, and politician Max Weber published his book, The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism, emphasizing that personal integrity and reputation matters: they form the basis of good business relationships. A person’s words are their bond and business can be counted on with a handshake.

Jump to the turn of the century. For six consecutive years, Fortune magazine deemed Enron one of the most innovative organizations and two months after being publicized, Enron filed for bankruptcy, bringing down companies and 1,000’s of individuals with it.

Not long after, new regulations and legislation were enacted including penalties regarding records and the accountability of auditing firms.

Then came the financial crisis of 2007-08, where organizations were deemed “too big to fail,” generating other hazards, risks, and an uneven playing field.

Headlines, book lists, and social media are filled with other examples, several from the most recent past. How did we get here? And more importantly, where do we go from here?

What We Don’t See

In Moral Mazes (Oxford University Press, 2009), Robert Jackall suggests that modern bureaucracy has created a “society within a society” in which there is a set of ethical standards that may not be consistent with those of the larger society. Our current capitalistic society goes along with these sub-societies, as long as they are successful.

Generally, the larger the organization, the more complex the strategy and operations. It might seem easier to stretch standards and change numbers to reflect what is desired, rather than what is.

Morality and Ethics in the Workplace

Research and empirical studies on moral standards and business ethics is sparse. But if we look at self-reporting surveys we can see some trends. For example:

  • 86% of managers claim moral standards at work are set by the expectations perceived in the work environment.
  • A corporation’s culture is a strong determinant of individual thought, behavior, and organizational norms.
  • Corporate or organizational culture is recognized as a key contextual influence in establishing and maintaining norms.

The Influence of Leadership

When the behaviors of leaders are seen to serve shareholders and themselves, rather than the employees, the community, the environment, or even the customers, there is an increasing sense of distrust of leaders’ motives.

Such erosion of trust may be pandemic. But as Dr. Marc J. Epstein and Kirk O. Hanson write in Rotten: Why Corporate Misconduct Continues and What to Do about It (Lanark Press, 2020), “While we don’t argue here that corporate behavior has necessarily gotten worse in recent years, we certainly don’t believe it has gotten better.”

Institutional Integrity: The Privilege of Pressure

Today’s great leaders understand and embrace the profound privilege and responsibility to create purpose and meaning that drives employee contributions, including innovation and productivity.

In most organizations, stated goals are consistent with the higher values of the organization: the vision of the leader, the organization’s mission, and a value statement. This allows all employees to operate in a coherent and consistent manner to achieve stated goals.

Addressing Injustice

Aside from the ongoing unemployment and underemployment in the midst of pandemic, we still have unresolved matters in the American workplace. One of the most pervasive is salary and pay inequities.

According to a recent Harvard Business Review article (November 2020), a recent self-reported survey of U.S. companies found that only 22% of the 922 largest public companies performed a pay equity audit (PEA) between 2016 and 2020. Until this issue is addressed and adjustments made, leaders will have an ongoing issue with building trust and credibility in organizational cultures.

Discussing Ethics at Work

Questioning moral or ethical viewpoints can trigger defensiveness, outrage, and even aggression toward those who think differently. However, leaders can set clear and consistent standards and expectations through:

  1. Leadership development practices. These must include programs on ethical reasoning and decision making. This must be an ongoing process, not a one-shot affair at fulfilling a requirement. The most effective include coaching and/or mentoring where issues of personal ethics and moral responsibility are explored and aligned with organizational values.
  2. Leadership programs. These must include selection, development, evaluation and rewards policies that are aligned in such a way as to reflect their support of the values of the organization. When a person is selected for promotion or is rewarded, the organization is making a statement: this person represents our values and standards.

Moral Rebels at Work

Morality and ethics are a daily challenge for managers and leaders. Most, if not all, have made a promise to “not knowingly do harm.” Of course, this is not always an easy promise to keep. But as Peter Drucker wrote in The Essential Drucker, “Its very modesty and self-constraint make it the right rule for the ethics that managers need, the ethics of responsibility.”

Powerful forces may lead us to feel powerless to oppose. Each person must weigh alternatives and make choices in light of personal values and goals, but also with consideration to organizational and professional success. Clearly, there are times when we must speak out.

A Framework for Ethical Dilemmas

There are two major approaches philosophers use to address an ethical dilemma:

  1. Focus on the practical consequences of what we do. This argues “no harm, no foul.”
  2. Focus on the actions themselves, and the “rightness” of the action alone. This argues that some actions are simply wrong in and of themselves.

An effective process includes a solid analysis:

  1. Analyze the consequences. Explore all aspects by answering the following questions:
  2. Who will be helped by what I do?

    Who will be harmed by what I do?

    What is the benefit, and how beneficial? (i.e. minimal, incremental, extremely; short-term and/or long-term)

    What is the harm, and how harmful?

  3. Analyze the actions. Without thinking about the consequences, consider all of the options from a different perspective. Explore all options by answering these questions:
  4. How do the actions measure up against moral principles like honesty, fairness, equality, respecting the dignity of others, and people’s rights?

    Do any of the actions “cross the line?”

    If there’s a conflict between principles or between the rights of different people involved, is there a way to see one principle as more important than the others?

    Which option offers actions that are least problematic?

  5. Make a decision. Consider the answers from steps one and two, and make a decision.

Moral and ethical leadership today require great courage, wisdom, and the right framework to make decisions. And there is always room for improvement.

A Better Manager for 2021

How are you preparing to be a better manager in 2021?

Employees look to their managers and business leaders to help them make sense of complexities within their own organization, as well as the external world. They seek reassurance that their own experiences and perspective is accurate, and that there exists an adequate framework to create and maintain stability and move forward.

More than ever before, employees need to be able to trust their leaders.

According to a recent article published by Harvard Business Review, trust is comprised of four components:  

  • Competence: the ability to get the job done
  • Motives: our reasons (or reasoning) 
  • Fair means: consistency in applying the same rules to offer rewards or assign punishments
  • Impact: the consequences of all actions

In a chaotic world, business leaders cultivate trust and help their employees when they clarify their values, develop their communication abilities, and connect in meaningful ways.

Clarify Your Values

Your values are the underlying foundation in how you make decisions and take action (or non-action.) They are at the core of your motives, how you prioritize, and the sacrifices you make to reach your goals. Your values have a great impact in how you reconcile conflict.

Consider your attitude in relation to other people. What are your obligations to your family, friends, and community? What will you leave as a legacy to the next generation? As a mentor, what values or core beliefs would you want to pass on?

Below is a sample of values. If you were to rank each from 1 – 10 (with one being the most important to you), what would be your top five? What might you add to the list?

Now, consider these important questions:

  • What percentage of your focus (your time and energy) is actually spent on these values?
  • Is there congruency between your words and actions?
  • Would your family, friends, and employees agree?

When there’s a question of right vs. wrong or between degrees of right vs. right, clearly defined values will help you make wise decisions and build trust.

Develop Your Communication and Story-telling Abilities

Stories have power. It’s how we make meaning of life, explain how things work, make (and justify) decisions, define and teach social values, and persuade others.

Great managers and leaders harness the power of story-telling when they communicate facts— based on relevant scientific data—through truthful stories. They make their stories compelling with five elements.

Elements of Great Story-telling

  • A finely tuned beginning, middle, and end, practiced and told with the right tempo, energy, and conviction.
  • A protagonist: a relatable hero. They draw your audience in from their point of view.
  • A challenge: an obstacle to overcome or problem to be solved. Sometimes, this takes the form of a person, or antagonist.
  • A pivotal moment: a confrontation and solution that results in real change for the hero.
  • An awakening: the hero’s transformation and how it benefits the hero, and hopefully, others.

Great managers and leaders use stories to help their employees find meaning amid chaos. They organize facts and provide context, differentiating between data and opinion, causation and correlation.

We tell our stories constantly, even when we’re unaware of doing so. Not only do our stories have the power to influence and/or inspire others, they also reflect and have the power to influence our own internal narrative. That’s why it’s so important that managers and leaders share constructive stories that have purpose, truth, and hope-filled action.

Connect in Meaningful Ways

According to the January 2021 article in the Harvard Business Review, “41% of workers feel burned out.” They attribute this to factors including longer work hours, adjustment to remote work, pressure to balance this with family demands, feelings of job insecurity, and fear of unsafe work environments. (Note that this survey and article were published prior to the events of January 6, 2021.) That aside, feelings of sadness and anxiety, an inability to concentrate, and a decrease of motivation were reported. Worse, 37% of those surveyed report “having done nothing to cope with these feelings.”

Take Action

Managers can take action in five key areas:

  • Connect with each team member. This may require that managers reach out more frequently to their direct reports, and in some cases, daily. When calling, be clear that it is to keep the lines of communication open and let them know you are there if they need anything.
  • Manage stress (yours and that of your direct reports). While flexibility allows us to adapt in times of uncertainty and stress, routine and predictability provide stability.  Block an hour a day to answer questions from your direct reports. Limit the calls, or video meetings, to 10-minutes each, allowing others to connect with you one-on-one.
  •  Maintain team morale and motivation. Consider a 15-minute team meeting check-in for each morning. Encourage participants to share one word to describe their status, state of being, or intention for the day. Follow-up individually as needed.
  • Track and communicate progress. Provide feedback, and coaching: help your direct reports identify what worked, their contributions, and celebrate their strengths.
  • Identify, redirect and/or eliminate non-essential work. Encourage your direct reports to share challenges, problems, and early indicators of issues. Frame your invitation that the plus one—a solution—is not required.

Sharing feelings or personal challenges with a manager or leader may feel uncomfortable, or too risky, for some. Respect boundaries. Encourage team members to identify someone they can trust with whom they can connect: a colleague, mentor, or qualified coach.

Demonstrate your own vulnerability. As Dr. Brene Brown writes:

“We are open to uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure because that is the path to courage, trust, innovation, and many other daring leadership skills.”

The Next Wave in Leadership Development: Habits

As a leader, what role do you take in your own leadership development?

If 2020 taught us anything, it was the importance of seeing the big picture without losing sight of the small details. This requires a tremendous skill in balancing priorities, energy, and focus. And while most great leaders can take pride in their ability to multi-task under stress, this year has really tested their abilities.

Leaders are called on again and again to shift their attention from one priority to another. They must consistently and consciously choose (and judge) that which is deserving of their attention. They must ignore impertinent distractions.

Developing the right leadership skills and habits is critical to personal and organizational success.

The Importance of Habits

Consider this: 80% of our results stems from only 20% of our efforts, according to Joseph M. Juran. In the context of our productivity and efficiency, this means that only about 20% of our activities actually provide the results we are looking for, professionally and personally.                      

To devote more time and energy to our most important activities we need to be able to recognize and say “no” to the people, places, and things that distract us from achieving our goals. This isn’t always easy, especially when we really like our distractions, or worse, our distractions become bad habits.

Disrupting the habits that are counter-productive is important, but it doesn’t eliminate them. Unless a new routine takes its place, the pattern will continue automatically. Fortunately, we’ve come to a new level of understanding about habits, and we’re learning and practicing new techniques to improve them.

The Importance of Focus and Concentration

In ConZentrate: Get Focused and Pay Attention–When Life Is Filled With Pressures, Distractions, and Multiple Priorities (St. Martin’s Press 2000), Sam Horn identifies essential keys to concentration that are helpful reminders:

  • Develop your ability to be single-minded.  This requires making choices as to priorities and scheduling.
  • Put your interest(s) in action. Engross yourself in an activity to a state of flow.
  • Discipline your thoughts. Focus on what is needed, and say “no” to outside distractions.
  • Begin again, and again, and again. Persist in spite of distraction, opposition, discouragement, and counterinfluences.

An important key to focus and concentration is to recognize when on auto-pilot, or taking action out of habit.

When Distractions Become Habits

To be sure, some behaviors make for good habits. This includes the behaviors you stopped doing, especially when distractions become habits. In today’s business world, this can make a big difference in your success.

In his recent book, Tiny Habits: The Small Changes that Change Everything (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt 2020) behavior scientist BJ Fogg, PhD, illustrates how behavior happens when motivation, ability, and prompt converge at the same moment. Fogg illustrates this in the Fogg Behavior Model, whereby motivation is your desire to do the behavior. Ability is your capacity to do the behavior. Prompt is your cue to do the behavior.

A Simple Model to Create New Habits

To create a new habit, work through the model, or formula:  

Motivation+Ability+Prompt=Behavior

  • Is there a prompt for the desired behavior?
  • Is there ability to complete the desired behavior?
  • Is there motivation to complete the desired behavior?

As any great leader or manager can attest, all of these questions need to be answered as it relates to the individual completing the behavior.

The process of habits includes neurological cravings for the pleasure-inducing neurotransmitter dopamine, which motivate us to take action. However, motivation alone is not enough to help us change our behavior and create a habit.

Motivation: Motivation is complex, often made up of competing or conflicting motives: opposing drives related to the same behavior. Therefore, we must outsmart motivation by focusing on behaviors: something you or your employees can do right now or at any given moment.

Ability: Understanding and strengthening our skills and abilities is critical to success. To make a behavior easier to do—to increase ability—successful leaders improve skills, get the tools and resources needed to complete the behavior, and/or make the behavior tiny with a small step toward the desired behavior.

Prompts: Prompts are the “invisible drivers of our lives,” according to Fogg, and can be simplified into three categories:

  1. Person (reptilian brain; internal cues)
  2. Context (environmental; external cues)
  3. Action: a behavior you already do (an anchor) that can remind you to complete a new action until it becomes a habit. For example, after I (anchor), I will (new habit.)

The Habits that Transform Your Leadership

As a leader, which of your habits yield the greatest productivity and efficiency for you and your organization?

Identify the 20 percent of your efforts that bring you 80 percent of your results. If you need help with this, consider working with a qualified executive coach. Then, identify three important behaviors you can turn into habits.

Identify Transforming Habits

  1. Clarify your aspiration (or desired outcome).
  2. Explore specific behavior options without censoring yourself. Consider those you might do once, those that would become a habit, and even habits you would stop.
  3. Match with specific behaviors. Identify your “golden behaviors:” those that are effective (impact), desirable (motivation), and doable (ability).
  4. Start tiny.
  5. Find a good prompt (anchor).
  6. Celebrate successes: emotions create habits. Positive emotions trigger that feel good reward of dopamine, so celebrate immediately: give yourself a pat on the back, a high-five in the mirror, bust a dance move, congratulate yourself, whatever works for you.
  7. Troubleshoot, iterate, and expand.

Questions for Leaders

Here are some things to discuss if you’re working with a coach:

  • What are you paying attention to?
  • What are your biggest distractions?
  • What three habits would bring you quality results?

What do you think? What new habits will transform your leadership? I’d love to hear from you.

The Need for Kind Leaders

Is your organization led by kind leaders?

This year has been like no other. Most leaders and managers are eager to put it behind them. Yet, we’re not out of the woods. A culture of kindness will make it easier.

Researchers have found that kindness is associated with better and stronger physical and mental health; relationships, teams, and communities; life satisfaction, and even economics. According to researcher and psychologist Dacher Keltner, PhD, “The science of human emotion, kindness and goodness are not to be taken lightly, they are actually good for our bodies and minds.”

Unfortunately, uncertainty, increased stress, and frustration have challenged and tested many organizational cultures: the way we collectively perceive, think, and feel at work. Add to that tribalism, polarity, and over exposure to vitriol, and incivility is easily sparked. Organizational culture is damaged, and left unchecked over prolonged periods, altered.

The Importance of Kind Leaders

Over the past two decades, thousands of employees have been polled about their treatment at work. According to research referenced in the recent Harvard Business Review article, 98% report experiencing uncivil behavior, often prompted by thoughtlessness, rather than malice. Common forms include:

  • Interrupting others
  • Discussing other employees
  • Acting in a condescending manner; belittling someone and/or their contributions
  • Arriving late; responding late (or not at all)
  • Ignoring others
  • Negative eye contact—giving the side eye, dirty looks, rolling eyes, or staring
  • Yelling, shouting, and/or verbally assaulting others (insults, harassment)

While subtle forms (and microaggressions) are often easier to overlook, they erode engagement, morale, and ultimately, organizational culture. Managers, and leaders, must intervene, not in kind, but in kindness. Being kind can boost oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, a neurotransmitter that helps regulate mood. In turn, our outlook, creativity, efficiency, and productivity improve.

The Leadership Skill of Kindness

Kindness is an interpersonal skill that requires a certain amount of strength and courage. Even though sympathy and caring for others is instinctual, consideration, empathy, and compassion are often required to lead and support others with kindness.

Kind managers understand that there is no kindness in allowing problematic behavior to continue. They have the difficult conversations with their employees to prevent ongoing failure. They work to improve the lives of others. How? First, they cultivate feelings of kindness.

Put Kindness on Your Radar

To be sure, it’s easy to focus on the negative. But when we intentionally look for acts of kindness, our bodies are rewarded in a very positive way.

Research from 88 studies involving over 25,000 participants found that those who witness an act of kindness—from cooperative action to comforting someone in distress—increase their own kindness at work.

When people witness others being praised for their kindness, motivation to act kindly also increases. However, the more time that passes after bearing witness to a kindness, the less inspired people feel.

If you’re not already, keep a journal. Make a note about acts of kindness at work. It could be a simple list with name, place, date, and action; a folder of emails; a collection screen shots; whatever works for you. Also consider the social conditions that prevent kindness at work.

Practice Self-Kindness

First, recognize the hard stuff. Here are two important questions to consider:

  • In what ways has life become more challenging?
  • What is the current state of your social ties?

Think of times when you felt a strong connection with someone—a meaningful conversation; a shared success or loss—and journal about the experience.

Then, recognize ways life has gotten a bit better. Have you been able to spend more time with family? Have you explored or developed different interests? What about greater understanding of different perspectives, beliefs, or opinions?

Reinforce your self-worth. Honor who you are, and act with authenticity. Exercise your power to choose, especially when it comes to attitude.

Finally, tackle the hard stuff. Prioritize ways you can strengthen your social ties.

Establish friendships at work. Clear boundaries and a willingness to make difficult decisions are necessary. This requires emotional courage and specific skills to avoid the formation (or reputation) of an exclusive clique. Wise leaders and managers practice mindful kindness.

Practice Mindful Kindness

There are two components of mindful kindness:

  • Consideration and action regarding the social conditions, practices, and policies that prevent employees from finding the good in human nature.
  • Random acts of kindness conducted in mindful ways that are sensitive, inclusive, and equitable.

Both of these components focus on treating everyone with mutual care and respect:

  • Practice honesty with consideration. Brutal feedback is not kind. Be clear, direct, and compassionate.
  • Show you care with unconditional acceptance. While you might not like or accept certain behavior, separate the action from the person.
  • Step through fear to do what is right, right now. Be courageous, and practice justice and compassion for all.
  • Welcome others into your circle. Extend kindness to everyone; grow your circle of friends.

Even the smallest acts of mindful kindness can go a long way, especially under the microscopic gaze of others. While the biochemical boost is powerful, research has found it only lasts three to four minutes. That’s why it’s so important to make kindness an ongoing daily practice.

Expanding Kindness to Community

A new analysis of studies reveals that witnessing goodness inspires us to be kind. When we see or hear about people acting kindly or helpful, we are inspired to do the same. Even the smallest gesture can have a meaningful ripple and go a long way.

In Working Knowledge, published by Harvard Business School, researcher, professor, and author Boris Groysberg and journalist Susan Seligson identified seven simple phrases we can use to communicate kindness.

Words of Kindness to Use Everyday

  • “I hear you.”
  • “Are you okay?”
  • “What can we/I do to help?”
  • “How are you managing these days?”
  • “I’m here for you.”
  • “I know you’re doing the best you can.”
  • “Thank you.”

Incorporating these phrases into our daily conversations expand kind communities. They help to satisfy our need for love and belonging, and create unity.

Daily Kindness Practices

Kindness in community sustains our capacity to thrive. When given freely, it moves beyond our immediate circle (family, co-workers, organization) to our greater community, through:

  • Service: reach out to those around you.
  • Responsibility: take positive action wherever you are.
  • Integrity: do the right thing.
  • Tolerance: Honor the strength in diversity.

Tara Cousineau, PhD, author of The Kindness Cure (New Harbinger Publications, 2018), writes that “how we learn from our past and envision our future depend on how we choose to live in the present moment.” When kindness is our north star, compassion, generosity, and forgiveness become natural, and spread exponentially.

Leading Through Mistakes

Business leaders today are not exempt from making mistakes. While we like to believe their judgment is getting better, certain behaviors make them vulnerable to err, such as mindset failures,  delusions, mismanagement, and patterns of unsuccessful (or poor) behavior. Our wishful thinking, denial, and other forms of avoidance often prevent us from seeing their errors—or the mistakes we make.

We live in a celebrity culture where leaders, and especially CEOs, are expected to be perfect examples. They are held up as icons. We don’t like to admit they have flaws, or that the traits that make them special can also lead to failure.

To be sure, we crave heroic leaders who we can look up to and derive a sense of safety and security. We can’t do this when we see their flaws, so we contribute to the heroic myth and enable the leader to plunge full steam ahead, right or wrong. We must abandon this hero-worship.

There is a fine line between right and wrong, and like all humans, leaders are capable of swinging back and forth. They can be great leaders and fallible human beings. When great leaders make a mistake, when they realize they were wrong, they take appropriate action.

So why don’t some leaders admit when they have made a mistake?

Fear of Mistakes

Fear of mistakes remains a common challenge for leaders today. This fear fuels our drive to avoid losing face, at all costs. But the truth is, admission of error does less to harm our credibility than ongoing denial.

According to social psychologist Adam Fetterman, “When we do see someone admit that they are wrong, the wrongness admitter is seen as more communal, more friendly.” When someone promptly admits to being wrong, people do not think they are less competent.

Studies also reveal that some people are more willing to publicly acknowledge that their prior belief or attitude was inaccurate. The researchers called this a willingness to admit wrongness, or WAW. In three studies, they created scenarios to measure WAW, and found a correlation with agreeableness, honesty/humility, and openness to experience.

What is a Meaningful Mistake?

At its core, being wrong requires acceptance that our understanding may be limited, out-of-date, or simply fallible. This requires intellectual humility. According to social and personality psychologist Mark Leary, “Intellectual humility is simply the recognition that the things you believe in might in fact be wrong.”

In today’s complex world, this is not always easy. Even great leaders can fall into any of the five common blind spot categories:

  • Experience
  • Personality
  • Values
  • Strategy
  • Conflict

Great leaders recognize and acknowledge that they have cognitive blind spots. They also carefully examine and choose their convictions. When they identify errors, mistakes, or new understanding, they promptly admit it.

Meaningful Mistakes in Organizations

The practice of making meaningful mistakes can be mastered as a corporate culture. This requires support from leadership: proper mindset and models. In Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error (HarperCollins 2010), author Kathryn Schulz describes two models of wrongness:

  • Pessimistic model: errors are dangerous, humiliating, distasteful, and un-fun. 
  • Optimistic model: errors are a surprise of bafflement, fascination, excitement, hilarity, and delight. 

With the second model, innovation is more likely to occur. This culture is highly agile, adaptable, and productive.

Leadership and Meaningful Mistakes

No one is immune from making a mistake. But, we can avoid making matters worse by taking appropriate action.

To be sure, mistakes vary in degree, but when we make an insensitive comment, send a message without having all the facts or consider how it will be received, or berate a subordinate (or colleague) publicly, we must promptly acknowledge our mistake and make amends. It’s time for a good apology.

Bad v. Good Apology

A bad apology justifies or explains away our error. It paints a picture of why we did what we did or why we should be forgiven. Of course, trying to explain our actions is natural. But a bad apology rationalizes our error, even for the leader mistake.

A good apology has four elements:

  • Focuses on the other person(s) and how they have been affected by your mistake.
  • Takes responsibility. It acknowledges an error and remorse.
  • Makes amends. It addresses what can, is, and will be done to correct the mistake.
  • Builds trust. It communicates what you will do differently in the future.

Meaningful mistakes require reflection, without obsession. A qualified coach can help you break the cycle of rumination and get back on track with productive self-reflection.

Employees and Meaningful Mistakes

When we feel responsible for an organization, and we’re confronted with the consequences of a mistake of an employee, we are quick to react with judgment and condemnation.

Peter Bregman, author of Leading with Emotional Courage (Wiley 2018), suggests that when you confront an employee with a past-focused question, such as, “What were you thinking?” they become defensive, and the mistake is reinforced. Instead, great leaders ask questions that focus on the future. Future focused questions have numerous benefits:

  • Allows the employee to acknowledge the mistake as well as the lesson learned.
  • Allows the leader to guide the employee to identify any other potential flaws in their pattern of thinking.
  • Builds trust: in the employee’s and leader’s competence.

Manage Your Response

While this sounds simple, we first need to learn how to manage our own emotional reactions when the employee makes a mistake. Bregman offers a few keys:

  • When you experience an emotion, pause with curiosity. Take a breath.
  • Ask yourself: “What is my desired outcome?” “What would I like my next action (communication) to achieve?” Be honest with yourself.
  • Determine the actions (verbal or otherwise) that will most likely help you achieve your desired outcome. Often, what you’ll find is a conversation about the future, not the past.
  • Ask your employee what they plan to do in the future in similar scenarios.

Of course, these actions require a willingness to tolerate all feelings. Bregman calls this “emotional courage.” And with practice, you can strengthen yours.

Lead Your Organization through Meaningful Mistakes

Great leaders model how to make ethical, wise decisions for all their employees. Part of the problem is our human tendency to blame. We perceive and react to errors, mistakes, and failure inappropriately. We either avoid blame or assign it. Or, we overact with self-criticism.

According to psychologist Saul Rosenzweig, we experience frustration and anger—often the triggers of the blame game—based on our personality categories:

  • Extrapunitive: Prone to unfairly blame others
  • Impunitive: Denies that failure has occurred or one’s own role in it
  • Intropunitive: Judges self too harshly and imagines failures where none exist

These personalities influence a corporate culture. Extrapunitive responses are common in the business world—you don’t have to look far to see it. To be sure, some mistakes are blameworthy. But to build organizational resilience and bounce back from a mistake, you want to use your energy in more productive ways.

  • Listen and communicate. Never assume you have all the information until you ask probing questions.
  • Reflect on both the situation and the people. We’re good at picking up patterns and making assumptions. Remember, however, that each situation is unique and has context.
  • Think before you act. You don’t have to respond immediately or impulsively.
  • Search for a lesson. Look for nuance and context. Create and test hypotheses about why the failure occurred to prevent it from happening again.
  • Make amends. Acknowledge responsibility for wrong doing, and take action to redress that wrong.

Make Amends

In Moral Repair (Cambridge University Press 2012),  Margaret Urban Walker describes making amends as taking reparative action, but only action that issues from an acceptance of responsibility for wrong doing, and that embodies the will to set right something for which amends are owed.

This is not unlike some of the steps in recovery programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous. Translated loosely, for organizations it might sound like:

  • We searched for who and how our organization has harmed, and we would like to do what we can to correct our mistake.
  • We accept full responsibility for our mistakes, and we will do what we can to correct this mistake.
  • We will continue to monitor our attitudes and actions, and when we are wrong, we will promptly admit it.

Making amends builds resilience, for individuals, and organizations. Leaders who can admit to their mistakes can make them meaningful. They can masterfully lead through mistakes.

Develop Your Mental Game

As a leader, how is your mental game?
Consider today’s outstanding athletes, such as those who recently participated in the U.S. Open. It’s impressive to see these leaders excel in their field; they are really amazing! Not unlike today’s outstanding business leaders and managers, they overcome obstacles, deal with set-backs and persevere to the end.
After watching a game or two it’s easy to take their impressive skills for granted. After all, they make it look so easy. And then they make a clear mistake.
Such was the case for one such player: with a single swat, he unintentionally hit a ball at a line judge, and was disqualified.
How can such a well-trained, highly-skilled and disciplined leader make such a mistake?
He got caught in a momentary lapse of un-mindfulness, distracted and fueled by frustration. And it happens to the best of us. We lose our clarity and focus.
Clarity and Focus
Clarity is knowing exactly what you want to achieve as a leader: your vision. Focus is knowing and doing the actions required to get you there. Great leaders do the right thing, right now. How?
First, they develop a clear mental picture of their intention. Then, they make a conscious choice to commit to and pursue that intention. And last, but certainly not least, they develop strategies for protecting their intention against distracting feelings or emotions, like boredom and frustration.
Just like great athletes, great business leaders take purposeful action to preserve and strengthen their mental abilities. After all, leaders who work on their brain fitness are less prone to errors. They understand that clarity and focus require three key areas of brain function:

  • Cognition: Education and experience contribute to your cognitive abilities, so wise leaders engage in learning new skills which they practice to improve their processing speed (how quickly they can recall information, names and memories). This allows them to make wise and timely decisions and responses, and, it also inhibits actions that could sabotage their best efforts, like hitting a ball at a line judge.
  • Emotion Management: Learning how to self-regulate emotions, including stress and anger, is crucial for personal and professional success. You see, when an event or action is stored in our memory, the associated emotion is also stored. This unconscious emotional tagging process can influence our clarity, focus and future decision making process.
  • Executive Judgment: This operational part of the brain enables us to receive information, assess our feelings, identify and analyze pros and cons, formulate plans and discern outcomes.

Build Your Foundation
Wouldn’t it be nice to have a true brain enhancement pill that could increase our health, wellness and performance? While research reveals that nootropics benefit cognition, learning and mental clarity, they don’t actually improve intellect or IQ. If you’re not familiar with nootropics, they are a class of substances (natural or synthetic) comprised of vitamins, minerals, amino acids, fatty acids, antioxidants and other herbal ingredients. Nootropics can have some effect on our memory, thinking or other brain functions, but, more non-biased studies (non-brand or product related) must be conducted. In the meantime, we do know that diet, exercise and meditation are key to higher brain function.

  • Diet: in a perfect world, we’d get all the vitamins and minerals we need through a healthy diet of a wide-range of plants that fight inflammation. You see, science has linked many diseases, including those affecting our brain health­, with chronic inflammation. According to an article published by Harvard Health Publishing (November 2018) choosing the right anti-inflammatory foods reduces your risk of illness.
  • If you’re looking to improve your mental game, consider the Mediterranean diet: it’s high in vegetables, fruits, nuts, whole grains, fish and healthier oils. And of course, avoid processed foods, or those high in sugar. Researchers are finding greater evidence linking poor brain health to sugar. So while it might give your brain an initial surge, it’s not the best tool. Instead, give yourself a boost with exercise.
  • Exercise: exercise increases activity in parts of the brain that have to do with executive function. Not only that, exercise promotes the growth of new brain cells. The key is to push yourself (with approval from your health care professional): reach your target heart rate for a period of 20-minutes, totaling a minimum of 150 minutes/week.
  • Why? Aerobic exercises increases blood flow to the brain, reduces stress and improves mood. And, if you are actually enjoying the activity, this only improves your outlook.
  • Meditation: the beneficial effects of meditation for brain fitness are the result of changes in underlying brain processes. Through MRI (fcMRI) scanning, researchers with the National Institutes of Health found that Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), a form of meditation, alters intrinsic connectivity networks (ICNs).
  • MBSR is an attention-training technique that focuses on present moment internal and external experience. It includes breath awareness, body awareness (scanning) and attention to the impermanence of sensory experience. After eight weeks of MBSR training and practice, researchers identified changes in the subject’s brains reflective of a more “consistent attentional focus, enhanced sensory processing, and reflective awareness of sensory experience.”

Beware of Distractions
Distraction has become an ongoing challenge for many leaders and managers. And it’s not just our devices or technology, rather, it’s often our emotions, or our responses to our emotions.
According to Nir Eyal, an expert on technology and psychology published by Harvard Business Review, and author of Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life. (BenBella Books, 2019) we need to recognize the difference between traction and distraction. Gaining traction requires purposeful action: channeling our energy and focus.
Energy is much more than effort. It is engagement in a meaningful activity, propelled by both internal and external resources. Purposeful action is self-driven behavior; it is self-generated and engaged to generate traction.
Focus is conscious, intentional and disciplined thought and behavior. You see, purposeful action requires discipline to resist distraction, overcome obstacles and persevere in the face of setbacks. Our focus and energy might fall into one of four categories:

    

The Frenzied: Are you highly energetic and enthusiastic about your work, yet distracted or overwhelmed by tasks? How do you feel about deadlines, demands and the tyranny of the urgent? The need for speed may trigger you to act without hesitation, but you could achieve more if you consciously concentrate your efforts on what really matters.
The Procrastinator: Are you feeling low energy and focus? Insecurities and fear of failure may cause you to work on minor details, rather than tasks that could make a real difference for your organization.
The Detached: Are you focused, but without energy? What is the cause? You may be passing on apathy or disdain to your co-workers, sending mixed signals.
The Purposeful: Are you highly focused and energetic? You signal calm, reflective, and able to get the job done, even in chaos.
Boost Your Mental Game
When the going gets tough, how do you develop your mental game?  Answer these questions to boost your energy and hone your focus:
Energy Boosters

  • Focus on one goal. Without judgment or self-censoring, ask yourself:
    1. What is the big picture?
    2. What data, research and strategies do I have and/or need for wise decisions about objectives and goals?
    3. Is my goal well defined?
    4. Where are the limits in my understanding?
    5. How does the goal align with my values and those of my organization?
    6. How would I benefit from a mentor?
  • Build confidence. Consider past personal goals, and ask yourself:
    1. What was my experience with achieving comparable goals? Is it repeatable?
    2. Who is my role model? Can they help me understand what it takes?
    3. Where can I go for feedback and evaluation?
    4. How can I experiment, rehearse or practice critical tasks toward my goal?
  • Practice positivity. Overcome negativity, and develop positive thoughts and feelings by asking yourself:
    1. What are my patterns of feelings and experiences?
    2. How are they related to my thoughts and behaviors about my goal?
    3. Where do I find healthy outlets and support? (hobbies, sports, friends)
    4. When do I experience fun or excitement?
    5. What about my work creates enthusiasm?
    6. Work aside, where do I draw strength? How do I gain balance?

Focus Boosters

  • Harness the power of visualization. Visualize your goal, or objective, and ask yourself:
    1. What does my objective look like? When I need to remember my objective, what simple image can I conjure?
    2. What are the small steps I need to take to reach my goal?
  • Commit to your goal. Make it personal, and ask yourself:
    1. Does this goal feel right for me?
    2. How much do I really want to achieve my goal?
    3. What positive feelings are attached to this goal?
    4. How does this goal align with my values and beliefs?

Boosting your mental game requires a clear mental picture of your goal or objective and a conscious choice to commit to and pursue your goal.

A Call for Interdependence

Today’s business leaders face incredible pressure to anticipate, adapt, and produce. Unfortunately, ongoing uncertainty and increasing demands cause many to fall into the trap of over-management. And it’s not uncommon: when a system crumbles and a new one is not yet fixed in place, we get a lot of chaos and confusion.

Figuring out what’s next is not easy for business and organizational leaders. What are the questions they need to be asking in order to find clarity? How do they find a new vision, when there is ongoing uncertainty about any return to former norms?

What leaders need is a balance of independence and interdependence. They need to focus on economics and management issues, as well as how they respond to social, technological, cultural, political, environmental, and religious issues. Childcare, education, and working remotely have a tremendous impact on how they do business. Meeting after meeting leaves workers with very little time to actually do the work and complete assignments as agreed.

We need to rethink our previous assumptions about how we do business, and where we are going. What we have known about the past and assumed about the present is no longer sufficient to prepare for the future. Effective leadership requires a balance of interdependence and independence.

Interdependence versus Independence

Is your attitude about individualism based on your social class?

According to research published in 2017 by the Harvard Business Review, yes. But, it may also be shaped by your geography.

Colin Woodward, author of American Nations (Penguin Group, 2011), writes that our attitudes about interdependence and independence stem from eleven distinct regional cultures in North America.

Today, most business organizations elevate independence as the corporate culture ideal. Certainly, workplaces that support self-assertion, individual expression, and new ways of thinking/being are to be applauded, but what happens when this is valued greater than collaboration, or worse, greater than the common good?

Consider this: in Descent of Man, Darwin proposed that we humans succeeded because of our empathy and compassion. He wrote, “Those communities which included the greatest number of the most sympathetic members would flourish best, and rear the greatest number of offspring.”

While there is a place for independence in every organization, effective interdependence will sustain an organization and allow it to thrive.

Toward Better Interdependence

In the November-December 2019 issue of Harvard Business Review behavioral scientist, professor, and author Francesco Gino pointed to three attitudes for effective interdependence:

  1. Respect for contributions from others
  2. Openness to experiment with ideas from others
  3. Sensitivity and self-awareness of personal actions that affect others, as well as impacts toward goals and objectives.

These three attitudes allow for true collaboration and forward progress, the hallmarks of innovation. However, in business, support is almost always highly conditional:

  • "I’ll support you as long as I know where this idea is going."
  • "I’ll support you as long as success is guaranteed."
  • "I’ll support you as long as there’s something in it for me."

And yet it’s only when we trust enough to allow something to unfold that surprising innovations happen. The goal for leaders is to manage ego, model a growth mindset, and foster trust.

It Begins with Attitude

  1. Manage ego and model effective listening:
    • Practice active listening.
    • Become comfortable with silence.
    • Be curious, without judgment.

  2. Express empathy and curiosity. Right now, expressing empathy can be more challenging for leaders: Studies have found that in an attempt to manage their own stress and anxiety, people will cognitively turn off empathy and compassion when they feel like they can’t help someone.
  3. Practice constructive feedback:
    • Ensure expectations were effectively communicated. (If not, own it.)
    • Engage in a dialog that points out what worked, and what needs improvement.
    • Discuss feedback on feedback; acknowledge natural human tendencies to resist or avoid feedback.

Better Team Interdependence Doesn’t Just Happen

If your team has transitioned to remote work and management (and/or leadership) believes that more interdependence and management is required, but team members believe otherwise, tension will be common. Employees push back when asked to attend meetings, participate in decision making, and do work. They often complain of micro-management.

Conversely, if your team members believe they need to be more interdependent, and management or other team members do not, complaints of lack of support and help are common. Either way, better management is required.

Team Interdependence: One Size Does Not Fit All

Sociologist and organizational theorist James D. Thompson identified three types of interdependence many teams use today: pooled, sequential, and reciprocal. Because team members may be operating from different (and or limited) experiences with each type of interdependence, their expectations may vary.

For example, let’s say your business is to make widgets. You offer standard widgets, as well as customized widgets. Your business is made up of production teams to reach standard widget goals and deliver quality custom widgets.

  • Level 1 interdependence pools standardized independent actions into a team effort. Each person creates a standard widget. This is referred to as pooled interdependence.
  • Level 2 interdependence requires a known sequence of standardized and modified actions into a team effort. Each person completes a portion of the process to produce a widget; an assembly line. This is referred to as sequential interdependence.
  • Level 3 interdependence is based on known and unknown sequences of known and unknown standardized and modified actions into a team effort. This is referred to as reciprocal interdependence.

The level of interdependence is also referred to as the degree of interdependence, and determines the type of management, or amount of coordination, needed.

Shift Your Management for Success

Higher degrees of interdependence reflect greater complexity, and require different types, or degrees, of management:

  • Level 1 management: When all team members are trained on and adhere to standardized processes and actions, standardization management, including reporting and communications, is efficient.
  • Level 2 management: Planning management is required for sequential interdependence. This allows managers to coordinate goals with the actions needed, including process analysis, for successful outcome. Team members may be asked to provide additional information and shift actions as needed.
  • Level 3 management: When any team member introduces new information that affects the reciprocal independence, increased communication, changes, and coordination are required. This calls for mutual adjustment management.

Great leaders help their team members understand and move through different levels of interdependence. They shift their management and coordination relative to the degree of complexity for improved productivity and efficiency. If your team members are complaining about the amount of meetings (or a lack of information), examine your level of management. It may require adjustment.

Coaching Team Interdependence and Peak Performance in a Virtual World

Coaching team interdependence and peak performance in a virtual world has its advantages. It allows you to plan, reflect, prepare, implement, and follow-up your discussions. But it’s not without its challenges. Avoid the risk of meeting burnout with these tips and best practices:

  • Explore what and why. Before you begin the conversation, explore your own expectations and attitudes about the employee. What is the expected outcome of their efforts? If there is a gap, review your communications. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding, extenuating circumstances, or, your employee is privy to information that is not on your radar. Open the conversation with an attitude of curiosity, rather than judgment.
  • Segue in to exploration of their goals: business and personal. Ask about the challenges and obstacles they are facing. Right now, most workers are doing their best to manage increased pressure and stress, and many are hesitant to share this. In some cases, it may be childcare or eldercare. Alternatively, it could be they lack the energy and creativity they found in their previous work environment.
  • Collaborate on next steps. For example, if there was a misunderstanding, identify an effective communication process that works for both of you. This could be something as simple and specific as not interrupting during a virtual meeting, or conversely, asking for clarification. If skill was the issue, identify an effective training process, including mentoring and/or online learning. For those who miss the office environment, explore how employees might be able to connect virtually for water-cooler hangouts. The key is to not jump to solutions, rather, coach them to find insights and solutions they will implement.
  • Follow-up as agreed. Be as specific as possible in your feedback, and link behavior to outcome. Whenever possible, use the 3:1 ratio: for every negative critique, share three positive observations. To reinforce lessons learned, ask how it will help them achieve their own goals. Use open questions to encourage self-discovery, and avoid micromanaging. And remember: level 3 management is reciprocal management. Your feedback should be a dialog, where you are open to ways in which you can improve, as a leader, manager, and interdependent team player.

Finding a New Pace

How has the pandemic affected your pace?

Even the best of the best have experienced challenges in finding their new pace at work. Focus and concentration have been more of a challenge for leaders, managers, and employees. And it’s no surprise: our sense of time has been distorted. Two factors explain this phenomenon:

  • Feeling stuck in a holding pattern
  • Loss of flow

Feeling stuck is not unusual for those who remain at home, or have yet to return to their previous work environment. Research in anthropology and psychology has found that when we are unable to structure or manipulate our experience of time—when our temporal agency is deprived—we feel stuck in the present.

Dr. Felix Ringel, an anthropologist of time at Durham University in England, refers to this as enforced presentism, a term first defined by fellow anthropologist Jane Guyer. And for those who do not know when (or if) they can return to work, enforced presentism continues to alter their perception of time.

Fear also alters our perception of time. According to Dr. Sylvie Droit-Volet, PsyD, who has conducted extensive research on emotions and time, threatening stimuli can distort our internal sense of the passage of time. In Subjective Time (The MIT Press 2014), Droit-Volet points to two significant contributors that distort our internal clock:

  • Changes in internal states in response to the effects of drugs or external stimuli (such as a crisis)
  • Attentional processes: when we pay less attention to time, we experience a temporal shortening effect

Leaders, executives, and managers in situations of great pressure work with qualified coaches on self-management strategies. They focus on four psychological skills that can also be used to manage enforced presentism and loss of flow, whether you have yet to return to work, are working remotely, or have made your re-entry. 

Self-management Skills

Think positively. While this sounds simplistic, our negative thoughts—call it mind chatter or self-talk—erode our efficiency, happiness, and confidence. Notice when you are thinking negatively; when you frame a situation as a problem (and distort it into a much bigger catastrophe). Then, re-think, re-frame, and revise your thoughts to the positive possibilities.

Practice relaxation. Although it may seem counter-intuitive, make time for relaxation: a process that works for you to decrease the effects of stress. For example, I find guided meditation with body scan to be very effective and helpful. Another technique is to imagine a peaceful setting—you’re happy place—and focus on your breath, or mentally scan your body from toe to head. Others find online yoga and Tai chi relaxing. Whatever works for you; the key is to make time for relaxation that is beneficial to you.

Create SMART goals. Most of us have goals at work, but do you have personal SMART goals that reflect your own interests and values? Personal SMART goals can help you stay focused on what truly matters to you, and identify the incremental steps you have taken to reach your goal.

Minimize distractions. Today, this is the most frequently reported challenge. Whether they are external (noises and interruptions) or internal (feelings and thoughts), here are two tips you can implement immediately to help protect your focus and concentration:

  • Use a 30 minute timer. We know that extended sitting is detrimental to our health; add to that tiring mental tasks, and it’s no wonder we are easily distracted and feel exhausted at the end of the day. According to recent study published in the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, breaks from just one to nine minutes can help you bounce back from tiring tasks. So, get up, stretch, move around, and take a break. 
  • Re-think the need to meet. Before you send out that meeting invite (or say yes), consider the meeting purpose and time actually needed. For example,
    • INFORM: If the purpose is to share information, send the information via email.
    • DISCUSS: If the purpose is to have a dialog, send relevant information via email, invite them to read it, and request a phone call to discuss.
    • MEET: If your purpose truly requires a virtual (or in-person) meeting, create an agenda that includes: purpose/goals/outcomes, references (the pre-read resources), action items (a spreadsheet works best) and meeting agenda timeline. If you can keep the meeting under 30 minutes, schedule a 15 minute meeting.

As You Return to Work

For many, a return to work is a great relief: a “normal” routine, friendly faces, a steady paycheck. But the pandemic is not over. New routines will replace the norm, friendly faces may be veiled behind a mask, and hours may be part-time. Trepidation is expected. Optimal performance and recovery depend on our ability to address anxiety and restructure flow.

According to Dr. Erika Felix, PhD, a psychologist at UC Santa Barbara, who treats and studies trauma survivors, “Most people will be resilient and return to their previous level of functioning.” But by definition, a crisis is something that exceeds our ability to cope. Fortunately, there are steps leaders can take to help everyone cope better.

Return to Work Requires Anxiety Management

In a recent Harvard Business Review (June 2020) article, Dr. Julia DeGangi suggests three strategies leaders can use to manage anxieties in the work place:

  • Allow greater flexibility in performance management. Avoid over-investing in processes and micromanaging schedules.
  • Communicate clearly. Provide clarity, context, and reinforcement of priorities.
  • Demonstrate mental toughness. This means perceiving, understanding, using, and managing your feelings. It requires appropriate demonstration of emotional vulnerability at the highest leadership levels.

Remember: anxiety can be a sign of productive growth. Leaders who communicate appropriately about messy issues can alleviate anxiety and model resilience. This sets the stage to restructure flow at work.

A New Zone Focus

Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihaly, a psychologist at the University of Chicago, has studied the phenomenon of zone focus or "flow" throughout his career. “Flow” is the zone state in limited form, but has the same attention characteristics. “Flow” is a sample state of entering the zone that leads to optimum performance.

Based upon his research, Dr. Csikszentmihaly theorized that four elements must be present to get into the flow state:

  • Presence of a challenging activity
  • Perception that your skills match the challenge
  • Clear goals
  • Availability of instant feedback concerning your performance

When these elements are present, an "order in consciousness" occurs. And, it is this phenomenon that helps people immerse themselves in an activity, find a new pace, and have fun doing it.

The New Face of Change Management

Leaders and managers are testing their assumptions and abilities in change management as organizations, lines of business, and teams are asked to quickly pivot in their roles and responsibilities. Many employees are being asked to take on additional work, perform new tasks, work in new environments, or under increasing pressure. Everyone is affected.

Even in times of crisis, a swift, top down approach to manage change simply doesn’t work. Two theories explain this:

  • People are hard-wired for homeostasis: we have a natural tendency to resist change, especially change that is imposed. You don’t have to look far to see examples of this today.
  • Change is occurring all the time. Every person, and every process, is undergoing change. Leaders and managers often fail to recognize and tap in to this.

But when all employees are engaged through-out the process of change, meaningful change can occur. Employees who understand the obstacles and principles, have their concerns and questions answered, and can contribute with their experience and knowledge engage in meaningful change.

This is no easy task, especially in times of crisis. Managing meaningful change begins by engaging in, and managing conversations.

The Basis for Meaningful Change

Have you noticed how leaders who speak louder, cajole, argue, and push incur greater resistance?

In their attempt to influence how people behave—their purpose or process—they fail to address the needs, desires, and agendas of those they want to persuade. This approach only serves to foster a closed, or fixed mindset.

For example, leaders and managers of offices that were closed need to examine what changes are needed to ensure employee and client safety. Many factors need to be considered, including (but not limited to) work spaces, processes and routines, new or temporary policies, and the feelings and circumstances of returning employees. While many are eager to return to work, there remains a level of uncertainty, apprehension, and stress in doing so.

Managing meaningful change requires the engagement of each employee in the decision-making of where, how, and when they work. Of course, the level of flexibility may vary depending on circumstances, however, leaders and managers can make a conversation meaningful with two-way dialog: listen, ask, mirror, and reflect back what is heard. Ask what is needed, and discuss anticipated changes. Employees who participate in decisions that directly affect them have greater confidence and adaptability, including necessary physical distancing, the wearing of masks, and other new hygiene protocol.

Leaders who maintain an open-mindset engage to learn. Offer compassion, honesty, and openness. And remember: leaders and managers are role models for the changes they wish to see.

Consider this: the voice of divergence and dissidence can be a catalyst for innovation and growth. Unfortunately, there are times when leaders fail to recognize their worth, or the opportunities they illuminate. Some leaders ignore, dismiss, or go so far as to demonize those who point out problems.

Alternatively, leaders can foster assertive diplomacy: they create environments where it is safe to complain and collaborate on meaningful solutions. Great leaders are masters in emotional conflicts. Rather than resist, they receive and offer feedback to create positive results.

You see, not only are humans hard-wired to resist change, we are also hard-wired to avoid pain and suffering. But these survival traits actually hinder us in creativity and meaningful change, often necessary in high stakes situations.

Effective Assertive Diplomacy

To encourage assertive diplomacy, model the behavior.

  • Listen first. A leader’s ability to listen signals that he values others’ ideas and input.
  • Keep it low. People know where power lies. You don’t need to advertise it. If you model quiet power, you can remain calm when tempers fly.
  • Act decisively. The payoff to reflective assertiveness is decisiveness. You demonstrate strength by acting confidently. Even if you need some time to think before taking action, you can keep people informed about how the decision-making process is progressing.

Consider how Franklin Delano Roosevelt (FDR) responded to the crisis of the Great Depression. Nine days after his inaugural speech, FDR persuaded would be hoarders to return their cash to the banks. Within a month, 2/3’s of withdrawn deposits were re-deposited. The NYSE rebounded, with the largest one-day gain in history.

FDR managed meaningful change by addressing needs. He succeeded by taking action and managing fear.

Managing Fear

Managing fear is not about denying fear or ignoring it.

According Dartmouth’s Distinguished Professor Vijay Govindarajan and Columbia Business School Faculty Director Hylke Faber, authors of a Harvard Business Review article (May 2016), change is about managing fear: fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of change, or fear of fear itself.

Have you ever listened to the recording of FDR’s Fireside Chat? While there wasn’t the same opportunities for two-way dialog like political and business leaders have today (from daily press briefings to virtual meetings) FDR laid out the actions and steps to address concerns, without feeding fears, or inciting resistance.

Change Management: The Power of Why

Managing through change can be a real crucible test for leaders today. To be sure, intense, unplanned, and traumatic events have the power to transform leadership abilities. But great leaders can prevent fueling fires, pivot with purpose, and lead others to positive, meaningful change.

The basis of change management begins with an open-mindset. Great leaders manage meaningful change by managing conversations, fear, and taking action. Their vision, ideas, and changes take flight by answering the question, why.

Why taps in to our subconscious thoughts, the part of the brain most responsible for decision-making. It is heavily influenced by feelings and drives for survival. This part of the brain stimulates the thought, “What’s in it for me?” (WIIFM) and begins the analysis of trust-worthiness.

When the request to pivot addresses why and is linked to a higher purpose, listeners can sift (filter on value), sort (decide to align), and take flight (ignite with passion and purpose).

While well-designed changes are required for businesses to pivot, they won’t inspire engagement unless they tap into values and purpose—into the hearts of those they wish to engage. Basic needs, like safety, must be fulfilled, but maintaining motivation and engagement requires something in which to believe. It provides context for all our efforts and sacrifices, and sustains our energy for the tasks at hand.

Align with What Truly Matters

Leaders who manage meaningful change ensure the proposed changes are in alignment with what truly matters:

  • Why we are in business
  • The difference we make in the world
  • Our most important purpose

When this topic comes up with my clients, we discuss the importance to understand, and be able to articulate:

  • Why is this change important to your organization?
  • How is this change important to the people you serve?
  • Why is this change important to all of the employees?
  • What is its functional benefit to customers, clients, vendors, and all stake-holders?
  • What is the emotional benefit to them?
  • What is the ultimate value to your customer?
  • Why is this important to you?

If you don’t know and cannot communicate why you want specific changes, how can you expect employees to engage in changes?

As Rosabeth Moss Kanter, professor of business at Harvard Business School and director and chair of the Harvard University Advanced Leadership Initiative recently wrote in the Harvard Business Review, “Persist, pivot, and persevere, and there’s hope for finding another successful path.” 

Tips for Employees: The Art of Complaining in Change Management

Employees are often in the perfect position to see what doesn’t work in an organization, and are important collaborators in meaningful change. But, it takes assertive diplomacy. There is an art in complaining up, down, and sideways.

Meaningful change management is a conversation on what truly matters to all stake-holders: the employees, their managers and leaders, the shareholders, vendors, and those they serve. Clearly, not all bosses are secure in their authority, nor are all employees comfortable in challenging authority figures. But those who persist; those who are willing to rethink options, assumptions, and focus on ideas, not personalities, can implement meaningful change.

  • Focus on the facts. Everyone is prone to bias and blindspots. Ensure your points are based on fact-based evidence, and be prepared to back it up with verifiable resources and research. Dig to find other points of view so you are prepared to counter them.
  • Test your assumptions. Before presenting your ideas to your boss, find people who can play devil’s advocate and explore your assumptions. They will either disprove your premise and prompt you to rethink your course of action, or they will validate your path and boost your confidence.
  • Understand the difference between correlation and causation. When there isn’t a lot of research or science, correlations may be the only evidence available. But, just because there’s a link between two issues doesn’t mean one provoked the other.

Just as leaders and managers should begin their appeal for change with why, so should the employee. Why is this issue important to you? Why is it important to those you serve?

When sharing your opinions, differentiate between facts, perspectives, and feelings. Use “I” statements:

  • “I have found…”
  • “I believe… “
  • “I feel…”

Select your audience. To initiate and collaborate on meaningful change, you need to engage with other collaborators: someone who has the desire and power to collaborate on a solution. Before you choose your audience, be clear on your goals. Do you want to vent, build a coalition, identify collaborators, or prepare and test your complaint?

Identify solutions. Be prepared to contribute to collaborative solutions for your complaint. Identify the outcome you are seeking, and the action you are proposing. Always emphasize the solution when describing a problem.

Choose your tone and emotions. A complaint usually arises from an emotional place. However, communicate in a calm, rational manner. Appeal to emotions with direct, factual information that reference the values under which your organization operates.

Successful Change Management Today

We’re facing unprecedented times as we pivot in the ways we do business. Many leaders are paving the way for others to follow, sharing lessons learned and common mistakes that can be avoided:

  • Communication is inefficient, often one-way.
  • Plans are developed top down.
  • Change is incongruent with organizational values and culture.
  • Support and resources (emotional, physical, mental, spiritual) are inadequate.
  • Negativity is not managed.

Managing Negativity

You don’t have to look far to see negativity today. Images and words are everywhere. While it is critical that we don’t ignore problems, we do need to understand and manage the impact of negativity.

Negativity has a greater effect on our well-being (our psychological state and processes) than positivity. As John Tierney and Roy F. Baumeister point out in their new book, The Power of Bad (Penguin Press, 2019), “The negativity effect is a simple principle, with not-so-simple consequences. When we don’t appreciate the power of bad to warp our judgment, we make terrible decisions. Unrecognized (and unaddressed) the negativity effect can promote fear, phobias, tribalism, and resistance to meaningful change.”

Great leaders manage negativity with a few key principles and techniques.

  • Recognize and acknowledge negativity: in the images you see, the words you hear, the tone you use. Consider alternatives, and refer to and/or share these through-out the day.
  • Showcase good news: specific images, stories, and/or headlines of employees modeling desired behaviors and achieving positive result.
  • For every proposed change, point out four things that will remain the same. These could refer to mission, values, purpose, policies, processes, places, people, etc.

Negativity narrows our focus to why something is wrong or won’t work. It prompts immediate, survival-oriented behaviors, including resistance to change. In contrast, a positive mindset broadens our perspective; we feel better, engage, learn more and expand our creativity and productivity.