Too many people want to live where it’s sunshine & rainbows only.
Sure, sunshine & rainbows are nice. Preferable even. But sunshine & rainbows ain’t happening every day; that’s just reality. To live well one must be able to live in clouds & rain also, & better yet need to thrive in clouds & rain. Because as author Vivian Greene says “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … .It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
Clouds, rain, storms – we can all define them in different ways. My definition of a “storm” in life may be a little different than yours. Maybe I didn’t get that promotion I coveted, while for you it might be a sudden change in family dynamic that has you up against it. Whatever it is that you are finding challenging today there is one thing that is inevitable in life – CONFLICT.
Conflict is an inevitable reality for any individual. It becomes even more prevalent in groups, organizations, or teams (& we’re ALL a part of a team in some way, shape or form).
Look into any team that has had success, & I bet you’ll find some conflict that occurred along the way. Regardless of how connected teams are there will be times when individuals have conflicts with each other. At times these conflicts can be simple, small, & trivial. Other times may present demanding challenges that seem insurmountable:
- Example 1 (small conflict): During football practice 1 morning 2 players on opposite sides of the ball get tangled up in a drill. Words are quickly exchanged, each player shoots a dirty look at the other, & before the Coaches could stop it a quick fight breaks out between the players. No major injuries other than some hurt feelings & bruised egos.
- Example 2 (demanding conflict): Same football team, different players have broken team rules, stayed out past curfew before a morning practice, then showed up late claiming false injuries to the training staff putting them on the IR list for the day’s practice. Team rules have been broken, standards have been compromised, & players have misled staff members leading to missed practice time.
In both of these examples there are simple ways to address the conflict, but most importantly there are simple ways to end, or squash, the conflict. & this is what the best leaders & best teams do – they squash the conflict almost immediately after it happens.
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Prior to his time with Kashbox, JP spent 28 years as an NCAA Lacrosse Coach (22 years as a Head Coach). During that span, JP had the opportunity to coach with & against some of the top lacrosse coaches in the country.
Conflict isn’t necessarily a sign of trouble, & it certainly is not a sign of failure. Conflict is inevitable, & many times can be (& maybe should be) welcomed. See Example 1 above. There will be conflict, just like there will be rain, clouds, & storms. The difference between the average teams & great teams is that the great ones won’t allow the conflict to linger. Instead, the great teams address the conflict head on, resolve it, squash it, & keep on moving forward (only now they’ve learned a lesson & gotten better from the conflict.) Example 2 above presents a different set of circumstances for the team leader than Example 1. In both scenarios though the leader must be willing to take the necessary steps to help their team move beyond the conflict.
Choice multipliers
How many times have you let a negative interaction, bad comment, argument, or another boring, pointless staff meeting ruin your day? Happens often, right?
An employee is tasked with an assignment to present at the upcoming Sales meeting. Prepared, ready, & rehearsed the employee arrives at the office early to get organized on the morning of the meeting. Just before the meeting is scheduled to begin though the employee is told that the equipment to be used for their presentation isn’t operable. Plan B does not go as well as hoped, & the presentation is met with arched eyebrows & resistance. The employee, frustrated, allows his frustration to compound when asked a question later that morning by a colleague & he snaps at them. Things don’t get any better at lunch when a mistake on the order becomes a full-blown argument with the server. As the day continues into the afternoon the employee, distracted & frustrated now, continues to have a short temper with fellow colleagues. As the workday ends & the employee gets home for the evening he expresses to his wife how he had a “lousy” day. After inquiring, & listening, to the details of the day the wife simply asks “Well, did you really have a lousy day or was it just the result of the meeting this morning not going as well as you had hoped?”
The point here is that we all do it: we all allow small moments to compound into bigger moments that proliferate. A bad meeting all of a sudden turns into a snappy, short comment. A simple mistake turns into an argument. These incidents lead to frustration & distraction. Next thing you know the day has gotten away from you & turns into a “lousy” one.
But really it was just a lousy meeting. That’s it. But in this case the employee allows the lousy meeting to proliferate into a lousy day. Don’t get caught in that trap. Recognize it for what it really is: a lousy moment (or meeting in this case)!!! That’s it. Recognize the smallness of the moment (that meeting did not last an entire 24 hours), learn from it, grow, & move on.
If you are a leader of people or a member of a team (& we’re all members of a team) you recognize that conflict happens. Allowing that conflict to proliferate is a choice. You cannot (& will not) control what happens. You do control what happens next though. If you choose to allow conflict to multiply, then it will. If you choose to squash the conflict, then it will be squashed. Your choice; you choose!
Confronting Conflict
So how do you squash or end conflict within the team? Like we established earlier, conflict will happen. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, in fact it can be a very positive moment for your team.
But to handle conflict the right way you must be willing to do a few things:
Address the conflict; don’t cower from it. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen! We all know how much easier it is sometimes to pretend something didn’t happen or to ignore the uncomfortable situation presented. Important to remember here that you cannot control what happens or what has happened, but you CAN control what happens next. It’s there, it happened, face it, address it, resolve it. The quicker the leader addresses the situation, the quicker the team can put the conflict behind them & move forward.
Commit to each other & to the team. When a team or organization prioritizes the well-being of the group over the well-being of the individual the power of “We” can truly come out. We before Me. The higher the level of commitment each individual places on the team & on their team mates then the better the team becomes at conflict resolution. If you are committed to someone you will be more willing to work through conflict scenarios with that person. So commit to each other, & to your team’s process; this will help you have each other’s back during times of conflict.
The biggest difference between great organizations & good ones is the willingness to accept conflict as inevitable, the willingness to embrace conflict as a chance to grow & learn, & the accountability to address the conflict head on without avoidance.
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Courage, Discipline, Justice, & Wisdom
Next time you & your team run into conflict don’t spin your wheels trying to avoid it. You’ll only waste your time. Instead accept it, embrace it as a growth opportunity, address it, peel the layers back to get to the root of it, & don’t let it fester.
Anything positive worth building inside your team – culture, commitment, respect, trust – aren’t created without some turmoil, without some conflict, along the way. Instead these worthwhile team attributes are formed by the ways in which we as leaders handle & respond to the conflict. Your team is watching, & they will follow your lead.
The Stoic philosophers preach of their four core virtues – courage, discipline, justice, & wisdom. Use these virtues next time you are tasked with navigating your team through conflict:
Have the courage to face the situation head on. The discipline to address the situation. Use justice as a guide to resolving it. Wisdom lights the way, so use your knowledge to guide you.
Along with his responsibilities as an NCAA Coach, JP has also been a small-business owner for the past 22 years. He founded & built a successful lacrosse camp business that, in addition to camps, expanded into travel teams, clinics, lessons, & consultations.
In both of his careers as an NCAA Coach & small-business owner, JP has helped to teach, coach, mentor, & develop hundreds of players & coaches.
