Category Archives: teams

Making Friends at Work

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If you have friends at work you most likely enjoy your job more. But did you know that you make better decisions, are more engaged in your work, more committed, and productive?
Making friends at work is more important than we give credit. Workplace friendships are one of the strongest predictors of productivity, according to research. Psychologist Ron Friedman points out in his book The Best Place To Work, managers don’t often recognize the importance of workplace friendships.
“It’s because it’s easy to confuse the concept of friends at the office with the notion of fooling around,” Friedman explains. “Close friendships are perceived as a source of gossip, favoritism, and distraction. But that’s exactly the wrong way to think about what happens when we’re working with friends.”
It turns out that meaningful connections are vital to our psychological and physical well-being. In fact, it’s impossible to perform at our best unless we feel connected to others.
But making friends at work isn’t always easy. Work relationships can be complicated by notions of hierarchy and perceived utilitarian motives. Efforts to befriend someone can feel forced.
When we meet another person for the first time, it’s a defining moment in how that relationship will develop. On a neurological basis, the human brain instantly picks up clues to whether a person is friend or foe.
We select which coworker relationships to cultivate. Friendships at work are different than those in other contexts. The culture of the organization most likely has unspoken rules about appropriate social contacts.
Three Types of Friendships
Aristotle described three kinds of friends that meet different purposes.

  1. Friendships based on utility: people connect and maintain their relationship based on mutual benefits.
  2. Friendships based on pleasure: The relationship is based on mutual enjoyment and emotional rapport.
  3. Friendships based on good: People connect and support one another based on shared goals and values. Elements of both utility and pleasure are combined in this third type of friendship.

The Golden Rule of Friendship
According to author Jack Schafer, Ph.D., in his book The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over, many of us make friends by using this unspoken rule:
The Golden Rule of Friendship – if you want people to like you, make them feel good about themselves.
The Golden Rule of Friendship serves as the key to all successful relationships, whether they are of short, medium or long duration. This vital skill sounds easy, but may require practice.
People gravitate toward individuals who make them happy and tend to avoid people who bring them discomfort. This seems so obvious that we assume we always act accordingly, but we don’t. What gets in the way is our own ego.
At our core, we see ourselves as important and worthy of attention. We like to impress others. But if we want to appear friendly and attractive to others, we must forgo our ego and pay attention to the other person and their needs and circumstances.
Other people will like you when you make them the focus of attention. In our busy work days, we tend to focus on what we want and need, so we aren’t paying enough attention to what others want.
Ironically, other people will be eager to fulfill your wants and needs if they like you.
Friends and Self-Disclosure
For two people to deeply connect, it’s not enough to just talk shop—both people need to share personal details about themselves. And as the relationship grows, the level of self-disclosure needs to grow.
When researchers from Washington State University interviewed coworkers about how they became friends, they discovered a pattern of self-disclosure that included sharing problems from one’s personal, home, and work life.
In a competitive work environment, sharing emotionally sensitive information can lead to awkward situations. Author Rachel Gillett suggests an eight-step process for self-disclosure in an article in Business Insider, How to Make Friends at Work (January 2016).
Here’s how to open up the right way in the workplace:

  1. Start on a positive note: While sharing personal stories helps strengthen a relationship, it’s best to start with a foundation of positive experiences before divulging more sensitive information. Your first few conversations with a colleague are crucial. Everyone pays attention to first impressions, and so your early interactions should aim to show warmth and skill—not divulge personal sensitivities.
  2. Don’t rush the process: Self-disclosure is not something you want to rush into. By starting small, sharing incrementally, and slowly moving towards divulging more emotionally sensitive information, you become more confident that your sharing is mutual.
  3. Keep interactions positive: As a general rule of thumb, for every negative discussion you have, there should be five positive discussions. This offsets whining, and prevents conversations from becoming gripe sessions.
  4. Look for similarities: Similarity is a basic building block of friendship. Find subjects of interests you have in common with your colleagues, whether they be sports, Netflix series, children, or hobbies.
  5. Find areas of common struggles: Conversations can also center on collaborative assignments where you and your colleague need one another to succeed.
  6. Open up to non-work topics: The more people talk about non-work topics, the more likely they are to be friends. Rather than always talking about your boss or impossible deadlines, consider talking about your plans this weekend, family activities, or your newest hobby.
  7. Share outside of work: Focus the more private aspects of your friendship to off-work hours. While at work, be inclusively friendly with everyone in the office.
  8. Evaluate the friendship together: Discuss your friendship with one another, especially concerning any boundaries that might be important to either of you at work.

Do you have friends at work? If you’d like to deepen friendships, try these suggestions.

Brain-Friendly Steps to Make Change Stick

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When’s the last time you promised yourself to make some changes, either break or make a new habit? And how long did your changes last?
Changing habits can be one of the hardest things to do. Once we decide to lose weight, quit smoking, get fit, or do anything differently, it takes a lot of effort and persistence before we can claim success. Anyone who tells you it only takes 30 days to acquire a new habit doesn’t know human nature.
Most people who’ve been successful at making major lifestyle changes report that it rarely comes as steadily upward progress. Instead, it’s often two steps forward and one back, with intermittent relapses, surges of resolve, and a lot of learning along the way.
One has only to look at the obesity problem in the US and other affluent countries to see how hard it is to make behavioral changes that stick. Despite growing evidence that being overweight contributes to heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and premature aging, people struggle to lose weight, start exercising, and eat healthy. The obesity rates aren’t getting better, they’re getting worse.
And yet we know more about how to make or break habits than ever before. Behavioral scientists have conducted extensive research into how people make lasting changes. Why aren’t more people successful?
Knowing Isn’t Enough
“If you want to make a change you need to know why you’re making the change―but for that change to really last you need more than knowledge. When it comes to change, our minds don’t work rationally.” ~ The Telomere Effect: A Revolutionary Approach to Living Younger, Healthier, Longer, Dr. Elizabeth Blackburn and Dr. Elissa Epel, Grand Central Publishing, 2017
We humans have far less personal control than we like to think we have. We largely go about our days operating out of automatic patterns and impulses. When we decide to change our routines, some of us are more accomplished than others. Here is what successful change experts suggest we do.
First, identify a change you’d like to make. Identify one area you’d like to improve, such as health. Before you commit, ask yourself three questions.

  • How ready to change are you? On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate your readiness to actually make this change? (A ranking of 1 would mean you’re not at all ready; a 10 means you’re extremely ready.) If you rate your readiness at a 6 or below, go to the second question to explore what truly motivates you. Many of us are ambivalent, even though we admit we “should change.” Pick a change for which you are truly ready to commit.
  • What about this change is meaningful to you? Ask yourself what things are most important to you. Try to tie your goals with your values and deepest priorities in life. The more your goal is connected to your values and priorities, the more likely you are to stick with the change. Choosing goals related to relationships, enjoyment, and meaning in life are simply more important to people than wealth, fame, or how others perceive us.
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how confident are you that you can make this change? If you aren’t sure you can attain your goal, make it smaller and easier to achieve. Anything you rate as a 6 or lower means you need to adjust your sights. You need goals that are challenging but realistically attainable based on previous results. Self-efficacy is one of the biggest predictors of future behavior. Break down goals into steps that will boost your confidence.

Brain-Friendly Tips
The brain is equipped for automaticity and economizing efforts. The way to make that work in your favor is to include brain-friendly action steps.

  • Make small changes: If your goal is too hard, break it down into easy-to-do steps. Instead of 45 minutes of exercise a day, set out to do 10 minutes a day or one hour a week. You will feel successful and energized to make the next small change.
  • Staple it: Tack your change to something else you do regularly. If you log on to your computer each day, set a goal of writing for 20 minutes before opening email. Hitching a behavior to an already embedded one helps you stick to your plan.
  • Mornings are best: Whatever change you decide to make, do it before the day gets in the way. Once you let a busy schedule take over your brain, other priorities will interfere. Make your change a priority first thing.
  • Don’t decide, just do: Schedule your behavior and don’t waver. Making decisions will deplete mental energy and resolve. Just do it. Or, just start to do it. Once you start, you may decide to complete the action.
  • Celebrate it: Give yourself credit for whatever you accomplish. We are often judgmental of less-than-perfect efforts. If you aren’t giving yourself positive reinforcement and mental pats-on-the-back, you will lose enthusiasm.

It’s not rocket science; making changes stick isn’t complicated. Make sure you set meaningful goals, and create a pathway to success. Expect obstacles and distractions. Those who succeed are those who get support from others, are willing to delay gratification, and persist.

The Dangers of Ego in Leadership

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“Ego is the invisible line item on every company’s profit and loss statement.”
—David Marcum and Steven Smith in egonomics: What Makes Ego Our Greatest Asset (or Most Expensive Liability), Fireside, 2007

Nothing can be more debilitating in an organization than a leader with an ego. If you work for a leader driven by ego, your ability to cope can be pushed to the limit. In organizations, leaders with out-of-control egos are responsible for huge losses in productivity and profits.

In today’s culture that promotes self-worth and self-focus, egotism appears to be a growing trend that often gets rewarded. However, outsized egos are behind the struggle organizations have in keeping good people, doing the right thing, earning the trust of customers, and enjoying long-term prosperity.

Egotism is easy to spot, but its effects are hard to understand, and solutions are challenging. A definition of an egotist is someone focused on themselves with little regard for others. Egotists have an unhealthy belief in their own importance.

Author Ryan Holiday, in his book, Ego Is The Enemy (Penguin, 2016), defines ego as a sense of superiority and certainty that exceeds the bounds of confidence and talent.  Ego is what drives many leaders to excel in their fields, but it leaves them (and their organizations) vulnerable to failure. In a world of ambition with high rewards for success, big egos seem to come with the territory. But for effective leaders who want to build sustainable success, ego is the inner enemy.

The Inner Struggles of Leaders with Big Egos

For any leader, the risks of big ego are magnified. An inflated perception of oneself distorts reality, both inwardly and outwardly.

  • Egotists regard themselves as superior, set apart from everyone else.
  • They are entitled and important simply because they want to be.
  • They know everything, or at least don’t believe they can be taught anything of significance in their immediate world.
  • With a rear-view-mirror perspective, they rely on past accomplishments, convinced these are enough to carry them wherever they want to go.

Because of the need to protect their sense of superiority, egotists are disconnected from the world, often naïve about its workings. In their minds, everything is simplified to conform to their personal perceptions. They are blind to “uncooperative” agents, or refuse to deal with them. They refashion the truth to better support their ego. This causes the egotist to carve out a false life to be lived out in a false world. The resulting blind spots lead to a distorted worldview and behaviors that aren’t appropriate or effective.

Since it can’t be their fault when things don’t go their way, egotists resent the people or systems they feel have let them down. They may adopt a persecution mentality, playing the victim of “unfair” treatment. Caught up with distorted thoughts and imagery, they ratchet up the superiority even more, to regain position.

Unintentionally, the egotist places a barrier between themselves and the world. Their self-serving frame of mind always wants more. Even with no scores to settle, they have a need to win all the time, at the expense of others.

Within this self-constructed worldview, they distinguish themselves (the deserved winner) from the losers. The egotist believes they are the center of everyone’s thoughts and critique. Always envied, always judged, the egotist responds to this self-appointed status with various behaviors of defensiveness, rashness, or inconsideration.

The Outer Symptoms of Egotism

Leaders with big egos not only affect the people they work with, but the productivity of the whole organization suffers. Because of the egotist’s disinterest in other viewpoints, they cannot work constructively with those who disagree. They can’t accept or learn from feedback, and it doesn’t take long for feedback to be stifled altogether. A distorted take on reality leads to the egotist’s overconfidence in tackling major challenges.

The effects of leaders with big egos cause great pain throughout the organization. The egotistical leader:

  • Will only hear what they want to hear, creating blindness to truth. They surround themselves with “yes-men” who outwardly resonate with the leader. The real issues aren’t evaluated and thus strategies are misguided.
  • Is indecisive, because they believe that action is not required as threats are downplayed or dismissed.
  • Underestimates challenges due to lack of understanding. The problems grow worse and merge into higher categories of trouble.
  • Takes on daunting tasks without preparation or the ability to solve them, because they see them as less threatening than they really are.
  • Does not relate to the needs of the other people, and doesn’t bother to motivate, teach, or lead them. They don’t prioritize the people who do the work and engage with customers.
  • Acts persecuted or rejected when people disagree or leave the organization.
  • Does not reflect on personal shortcomings because it would interfere with their need to feel superior. Their blind spots go unaddressed, and eventually people stop bringing them up.
  • Does not see available opportunities for the organization because of an internal focus on their own needs. 

It’s not difficult to grasp that these symptoms of leadership ego eventually lead to overriding problems that can be difficult to reverse. Teamwork and loyalty are compromised. Creativity, learning, and growth are significantly limited. Opportunities and expectations are missed. Customer retention is jeopardized. Employee turnover rises and the prospects for success fall.
 
Taking Ground Back from Egotism

Egotism in leadership can be countered. But it takes a deliberate effort on the part of leaders to refocus and see things from a wider view. Trained coaches can be an excellent resource to guide leaders to a helpful perspective. In some cases, a leader can only make progress on becoming less egotistical through working with an experienced professional.

An effective leader requires a life of balance. Some ego tendencies are beneficial. Boldness and confidence are certainly assets in forging direction and inspiring followers. But these tendencies must be kept in check and proportioned with other important leadership attributes.

To minimize the unhealthy effects of ego, a leader must find a conscious balance between:

  • Strengths and weaknesses
  • Ambition and caution
  • Confidence and doubt
  • Foresight and hindsight
  • Boldness and accountability
  • Inspiration and being grounded
  • Personal needs and the needs of others

A leader needs to optimize the art of self-management, where they can suppress and channel ego when needed. This takes an awareness of the danger signs. It takes an accurate self-assessment, where they can see themselves from a distance. Detaching from false assumptions and their influences is key in this, as is recognizing and resisting the temptations. It always feels good to satisfy the inner cravings of self-importance, but danger is never far away.

An important aspect of correcting egotistical tendencies is learning about emotional intelligence. Improving EQ requires a leader to properly substitute humility for ego. This is a vital skill in subduing the effects of ego. It is a difficult transition for a leader to make, but with the proper support and training, it can be done.

A key practice is to recognize the viewpoints of others. No one can see themselves objectively enough to override all their blind spots. Asking for feedback and getting help is an important weapon a leader can use to defeat egotist tendencies.

Principles That Subdue Egotism

Author Holiday makes the case for several guiding principles leaders can use in overcoming their natural self-importance attitudes. Every leader who’s caught in the egotist condition will need help trusting and applying these principles.

  • The egotistical leader is good at talking big. But big talk is a front that the egotist uses to sidestep true accomplishment. Nothing brings a lofty talker down to earth quite like a serious and thoughtful plan to meet a complex goal. It takes a sober mind and a humble assessment of capabilities to pull off a victory. It’s victories, not talk, that make a leader successful. 
  • A leader with an ego believes that their mission is to win and succeed over others. But they need to realize the only meaningful mission in life is to pursue a purpose larger than themselves. The choice is to live by a calling rather than by what can be acquired. This takes another choice: to be selfless over selfish. A record of accomplishments is what leaders are admired for, not who they think they are. History bears this out repeatedly.
  • Egotistical leaders can’t learn anything if they think they already know everything. A key to successful leadership is to agree that no one knows everything they need to know to be the best they can be. Continuous learning is the only way to succeed. The smartest leaders of all time were smart enough to know there were things they still needed to learn. The best leaders acknowledge that there are always leaders who are better. They know how to swallow pride, get feedback, admit shortcomings, and learn. Then they get busy.
  • History doesn’t deceive. Egotistical leaders benefit by appreciating the historic truth that greatness starts with humble beginnings. This requires that they learn and grow without drawing attention to themselves. True success comes through serving others and providing a value people seek. This, not any self-proclaimed worth, builds one’s reputation and demand. Helping oneself is best attained by helping others. This requires a humble heart and the setting aside of ego.

Ego is a liar that distorts reality. The leader who can ignore the tempting thoughts and images that have been distorting their perspectives to make them feel important will have the best chance of shaking their egotistical ways. They need a clearer, more honest picture of what’s happening around them. That’s best done through other points of view.

Leaders will see their people rally behind them if they can adopt these principles, reframe their mindsets and habits, and earn the trust needed to effectively prosper their people and their organizations.

The Risks of Working for a People-Pleasing Leader

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Working for someone who is a people-pleaser may seem fairly innocuous or even desirable, but such leaders pose daunting challenges for their organizations. If you work for a people-pleaser, you most likely see the inherent problems and confess to seeking ways to maneuver around them.
People-pleasing leaders have some beneficial traits, but their behaviors can threaten survival in today’s highly competitive and responsive business climate: indecisiveness, lack of direction, inability to retain adequate personnel, low accountability and overall inefficiency.
People-pleasers have an excessive compulsion to be liked and appear likable. This tendency impedes their ability to influence results. Leadership coaching can help them learn several helpful approaches to combating the problem.
Are You a People-Pleaser?
People-pleasers focus on others’ reactions and are highly interested in building positive relationships and managing impressions and interactions.
They want to be liked by as many people as possible to meet their psychological needs and achieve success, according to Dr. Beatrice Chestnut, author of The 9 Types of Leadership: Mastering the Art of People in the 21st Century Workplace (Post Hill Press, 2017). People-pleasers endear themselves to others through three seemingly helpful communication tools: flattery, warmth and positivity.
People-pleasers’ need to be liked often seems dire and, as with most personality traits, is heavily influenced by childhood factors. Insecurities or fears manifest themselves in a variety of behaviors that are rarely acknowledged. When they please people around them, they feel a sense of well-being, Dr. Chestnut explains. This is both comforting and affirming, and pleasers hope it’s enough to bypass any potential rejection. By complimenting others, people-pleasers try to win over others by discerning what they want and giving it to them.
The Good, Bad, and the Ugly
Even though people-pleasers view their world through this warped lens, some positive behaviors often emerge. People-pleasing leaders:

  • Value people, are great advocates and facilitate connections
  • Serve selflessly, with a positive and inspiring approach
  • Value strengths and talents
  • Understand others’ feelings and needs

But there are many negative aspects, as well. People-pleasers:

  • Wear themselves out trying to please everyone
  • Take on tasks they could easily assign
  • Avoid taking charge and have difficulty making decisions
  • Sugarcoat responses and resist honest feedback
  • Portray a false image of friendliness
  • Overlook their own plans, feelings, and needs
  • Tolerate bad performance or behavior
  • Become resentful when things don’t play out in their favor
  • Manipulate people to avoid asking for what they want

It’s easy to imagine the organizational crises that can result from these leadership shortcomings.
A Personality Style
People-pleasers can be identified by some basic outward behaviors, none of which are alarming in and of themselves. But combine these behaviors, and you’ll find a leader who’s likely to be a source of problems.
The people-pleasing personality is, in fact, a distinct leadership type, according to Dr. Chestnut. HR personnel and leadership coaches are trained to assess them and appropriately deal with the problems that arise with this leadership style.
This type of leader is exceedingly (perhaps unnecessarily) nice and relationally focused. They listen well and offer emotional support. They are recharged when harmony increases and drained when discord breaks out. Their feelings may be hurt when unity is disrupted. They are more drawn to the “yes” people than to those who challenge or raise opposing viewpoints.
Leaders who want to be liked have a hard time asking for help or assigning work. Pleasers are outwardly bothered by those who fail to reciprocate with relationship-building, unity, or harmony. They are visibly disturbed by people who don’t share their priority of being considerate to others.
Leaders with these traits will also display resentment over being left out, having their suggestions ignored, and being taken advantage of for their generosity. We may hear them venting their frustrations, but never directly to the person who displeased them.
When we see these behaviors on a consistent basis, it means we’re most likely dealing with a people-pleaser.
Inner Workings
Understanding what goes on inside people-pleasers’ heads can help us work with them.
People-pleasing leaders are most comfortable when they receive approval, consensus, and mutual consideration. This makes them relationally productive, yet corporately productive only at the peak of harmony. They empathize well and feel the need to serve selflessly. They see the good in others and give them the benefit of the doubt.
Avoiding rejection is paramount to them, so they hide emotions that may upset others and suppress contrary opinions. This explains why they serve others with the hope that they’ll be served in return, without having to ask other people to do so. They become adept at reading others’ body language and are sensitive to others’ moods and preferences, allowing them to “shapeshift” to the most effective position to win people over.
People-pleasing leaders can strategize impression management to look good, receive affirmation and be liked. Being upbeat is important to them. They generally have the skills to lift people’s spirits and focus on meeting the needs of those who work for them. They may resort to manipulation as a means to a desired end.
Pleasers also develop blind spots that prevent them from seeing their own needs going unmet. They cannot recognize their own neediness, resentment, desire to blame others for ruined plans and loneliness, even while they’re surrounded by “friends.” They repress frustration over the lack of social reciprocity or co-unity. This can, in the extreme, impair their perceptions, cloud judgment, and lead to poor decisions.
Blind Spots
It’s difficult to deal with people-pleasing leaders who cannot see what’s obvious to others. Colleagues and coaches can help guide them by asking several key questions:

  • Do you find it hard to say “no” to people?
  • Is it difficult to ask people to help you or take on a tough assignment?
  • Is being liked one of the most important things to you? Why?
  • Is cultivating positive relationships the most vital part of your job?
  • Do you struggle to meet everyone’s needs all the time?
  • Does positive feedback give you an incredible high? What about criticism?
  • What gives you the most emotional reassurance on the job?
  • How do you feel when you upset or disappoint someone?
  • What happens inside you when conflict arises?
  • How do you handle difficult performance discussions with subordinates?
  • Do you criticize yourself when rejected?
  • Do your own needs go unmet? Why?
  • Do you paint a positive picture for people, even when it’s not that encouraging?

Truthful answers to these questions can help people-pleasers see how their behavior negatively impacts their personal and professional lives.
Suggested Steps for People-Pleasers
It may be a struggle for people-pleasing leaders to identify their traits, so it’s important for seasoned colleagues or a leadership coach to employ tested approaches when working with them. The process begins with encouraging pleasers to step outside their comfort zones and establish healthy boundaries. They’ll need to observe their emotions and responses to uncomfortable situations and learn to grow more comfortable.
The following steps can help them improve self-awareness and build confidence:

  • Grasp what triggers undesirable reactions. What kind of reactions would better serve you?
  • Embrace each emotion and process it. Find a way to moderate reactions.
  • Make note of the benefits when you break old habits and adopt new ones.

People-pleasers need new guidelines and/or boundaries. They must learn that setting expectations and making requests of others are positive leadership behaviors. People are not as fickle as they may think. Leaders can learn to give critical, yet constructive, feedback, knowing it benefits everyone.
Pleasers should copy the following behavioral “cheat sheet” to their smartphones and tablets so it’s always within reach:

  • It’s normal and healthy to say “no.”
  • You’re not responsible for how others feel. You can control only how you feel. Leaders cannot regulate their staff’s happiness. People have their own issues, so be clear about boundaries.
  • Affirmation and confidence come from within, not from others.
  • Act from the heart, not from a strategy. Staged behavior is obvious and detrimental.
  • Make sure your own needs are addressed instead of playing the martyr.

Working for a People Pleaser
People-pleasing leaders can benefit greatly from their staff’s supportive gestures and understanding. Show appreciation when pleasers share their feelings or try to be transparent. Commend them on decisiveness and setting direction. Provide safe but meaningful feedback, mixed with praise whenever possible.
We can help people-pleasing leaders through dedication, teamwork and being reliable partners—steps we should take anyway. We can encourage delegating by suggesting action items or taking on tasks that need to get done.
As leaders leave behind their people-pleasing ways, everyone will see the improvements in organizational culture: productivity, direction, accountability, morale, team strength and true unity.

Be the Authentic Leader Your People Need

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Many leaders are unaware of how their lack of authenticity chips away at people, breeding dissatisfaction, distrust and disloyalty. Organizational effectiveness and productivity suffer when workers view leaders as inauthentic.
One out of three people distrusts his or her employer, according to the 2017 Edelman “Trust Barometer.” Four out of five don’t see authenticity in their leaders’ performance. When only 20 percent of leaders come across as genuine, they risk handicapping their organizations with insufficient influence, poor worker engagement and, ultimately, disappointing corporate results.
People want to be led well. They want assurance that their best interests are important and that their future is in safe hands. They need to believe their leaders will make sound, effective decisions. Inauthentic leaders destroy employee confidence.
The Real Deal
Authenticity is an emotionally vital state of well-being for employees—one that heavily relies on a leader’s consistent trueness, explains consultant Karissa Thacker in The Art of Authenticity (Wiley, 2016). The author suggests that leaders recognize this principle as irrefutable in order to enhance interdependence. The best leaders undergo continual self-assessment and improvement to convert habitual behaviors into authentic ones.
Being authentic encompasses several other key leadership mandates:

  1. Be self-aware.
  2. Earn respect.
  3. Connect.
  4. Convey credibility.
  5. Earn trust.

Successful leaders optimize each of these behaviors to develop character and broaden influence.
Be Self-Aware
Great leaders know themselves well, notes Brenda Ellington Booth, a clinical professor of management at Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Business.
When you recognize your limitations and weaknesses, you can openly admit to them, and learn to compensate and find workable solutions. Focusing on self-improvement, with an emphasis on asking others to assist you, is as authentic as it gets.
Leaders who fully understand and express their vision are clear about promoting it—and more successful in getting others to believe in it. People will follow a leader who has a passion for everyone’s future. Understand what motivates this passion within you, and apply it to your advantage.
When you identify the values that affirm you, there’s no need to focus on being popular. You grow stronger from these inner affirmations—not from others’ approval. Your objective should be to give your best, even when those around you don’t. Authenticity allows you to move forward, confident in knowing who you are and where you’re going.
Earn Respect
Being respected begins with showing respect to others, both upline and downline in your organization. Model respect for everyone and it will be contagious.
The phrase “leading by example” is more than a suggestion. Leaders who model the behavior they want their organization to exhibit make the most effective strides in establishing a healthy culture. Employees respect leaders who walk the talk and regard them as authentic. Who doesn’t want to follow someone who displays noble values in decisions and behaviors?
Humility, expressed as a willingness to listen to and learn from others, is one of the most effective ways to earn respect, asserts leadership coach Brent Gleeson in his Inc.com article, “7 Simple Ways to Lead by Example.” Humility is a particularly refreshing attribute these days, and it can prove to be a valuable tool.
Authentic leaders recognize they don’t have all the answers, and probably never will. Soliciting and appreciating others’ ideas showers them with affirmation, which commands respect in return.
Connect
Sincere leaders say what they mean and mean what they say, thus coming across as authentic. A genuine, relational approach to people shows them they’re valued, Booth notes. When they see a leader who’s interested in them, they’ll reciprocate, thereby satisfying their need for security and value, while fueling engagement and productivity. A leader’s vision is compelling under these conditions.
When leaders want to connect with people, it shows. Their actions draw people to them, and connections grow. Relationships ascend to the next level when you seek feedback from your staff, especially regarding how they’re being managed. Your willingness to listen demonstrates an authentic sense of vulnerability that reveals courage, candor and caring.
Convey Credibility
People don’t believe leaders who exhibit questionable behavior. Being true, inwardly and outwardly, avoids this potential pitfall.
Trueness to oneself is the most basic form of genuineness, which aligns with authenticity. Be the real you. Faking things is deceptive and eventually evident to all. People aren’t fooled for long. They’ll question and distrust inconsistencies. Being true to yourself requires healthy self-awareness and self-worth. Who you are is the person people will see, and it’s the noble character in you they want to see.
Consistency in trueness builds credibility. People know who they’ll face day in and day out, through good and tough times. Great leaders are mindful of this. They’ve trained themselves to proactively discern the high road and take it, with honorable motives. Noble character, lived out on a regular basis, is the anchor of authenticity that people need to weather any storm.
Outward truthfulness is also critical. Honesty shouldn’t be the best policy; it should be the only policy. Leaders caught in a lie inflict damage to themselves and those around them. A quick glance at today’s headlines should serve as a brisk confirmation. Nothing builds barricades faster than a leader who tries to deceive. Truthfulness is a pillar your culture cannot be without, so lead with it.
Exercise judgment when truth must be guarded. Confidentiality is required for credibility. Sensitive, personal or private information must be handled carefully and discreetly. Don’t jump to conclusions or make decisions based on assumptions or rumors. Once inappropriate things are said or misinformation falls into the wrong hands, it cannot be retracted. Tension soars, and credibility plummets.
Credible leaders avoid these kinds of risks. They use professional language, with the proper sensitivities, cautions and accuracies. This doesn’t mean there can’t be light or even humorous moments, but they shouldn’t be careless or reckless.
Earn Trust
You can earn trust by practicing the four previous attributes, but there are other ways to enhance your trust quotient and demonstrate authenticity.
Accountability is key. Establishing a system of personal checks and balances conveys the importance of responsibility. Submitting to the authority of peers or top leaders helps assure people that the decisions governing them can be trusted as prudent and beneficial for everyone (catering to their inward need for safety and assurance). This builds trust.
When you accept blame for errors and give credit for victories, you’re demonstrating accountability and setting the stage for greater trust. Your actions place value on the most appropriate people: those doing the work. Without your people, you accomplish nothing, so be sure to express appreciation. You’ll be rewarded with their trust.
The greatest leaders give their people the most freedom possible to make decisions, pushing authority down to the most foundational level. This is a powerful sign of trust in staff, and it is returned with something just as powerful: trust in the leader. Employees free from overcontrol and micromanaging acquire a sense of empowerment that raises productivity and innovation.
Finally, authentic leaders are flexible. They adapt to shifting situations and go off script if needed, always keeping in mind their people’s well-being. Sticking to routines or insisting on preferences shows inflexibility, which is usually self-serving. Your willingness to change plans in response to a challenge or crisis, with authentic good judgment, is a sign of your trustworthiness. You’re putting your people’s best interests at the forefront, building a solid foundation of trust.
You owe it to yourself and your people to continually refine your character and insights, as well as think and respond in credible, authentic ways. Work toward making effective decisions and powerful impressions that draw your people into an engaging and productive unity you never thought possible.
Does earning this kind of respect and trust come easy? Not at all. It takes hard work, but the alternative should be unacceptable. Choose to pursue these authentic leadership traits, and refine them. Let an experienced leadership coach assist with the areas that challenge you the most.

How to Be a Better Team Member

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Most everyone is part of a team. And most of us try to be fair, accepting, helpful, and supportive of our teammates. And yet we frequently encounter problems interacting with others, in spite of shared values and common goals. Why is that?

“We have a strong and natural tendency to look out for ourselves before others, even when those others are part of our families and our teams.” ~ Patrick Lencioni, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, (Jossey Bass, 2012)

Teams are made up of fallible human beings, all with self-interest and self-preservation on their minds. If that were not enough, people also have strong competitive drives that lead them to put themselves first in an effort to “win.” Those who are less competitive feel threatened, and react with their own defensive stances.

And that is how well-meaning team members end up distracted from goals and collaboration.

Once self-preservation kicks in, it spreads to other members like a contagious disease; it erodes team spirit causing trust to disintegrate. Because trust is foundational for team members to work together effectively, things can quickly go wrong.

As an individual team member, what can you do when you sense friction that could derail your team’s effectiveness?

What Would a Navy Seal Do?

Brent Gleeson, writing in Forbes magazine in an article, “5 Habits That Effective Team Members Should Never Outgrow” (April 27, 2014), explains that in order to become a member of the Seal’s elite military group, one has to excel in many individual efforts. More importantly, however, Navy Seals must learn to operate as a team in life-or-death missions. Here are five habits anyone can adopt to become a better team member.

  1. Put others before yourself. Ask yourself daily what you will do to add value to your team and the organization as a whole. It can be a small thing; a simple gesture or offering of your assistance with a project.
  2. Reflect on your actions. Overly reflective people often spend too much time over-analyzing their actions. But imagine if you could harness this habit into something highly valuable? Sometimes the smallest task you are responsible for can make or break the success of your team. Remind yourself how your actions affect the entire team’s success.
  3. Be obsessively organized. Some of us innately have this ability, often to a fault, and some have to work at it a bit more. Find a process that works for you. Good team members, especially team leaders, must be organized in order to support the team’s objectives.
  4. Assume you don’t know enough. Because you don’t. Any effective team member understands that their training is never complete. Personal and professional development is critical for continued success. Those who spend time inside and outside the workplace developing their knowledge and skills will provide momentum for their team’s forward progress.
  5. Never get comfortable. Always push yourself outside of your comfort zone. If you do this continually with every task you take on, that boundary will continue to widen. This process will ensure that you are continually maximizing your potential which will positively impact your team.

Learn to Embrace Conflict

If everyone on your team agrees on everything, you may be heading for failure. Perhaps you’ve worked too hard to achieve consensus. You may have inadvertently created an environment of groupthink, where good ideas get ignored in order to avoid conflict.

“There’s no point in collaboration without tension, disagreement, or conflict. What we need is collaboration where tension, disagreement, and conflict improve the value of the ideas, expose the risks inherent in the plan, and lead to enhanced trust among the participants.” ~ Liane Davis, “If Your Team Agrees on Everything, Working Together Is Pointless,” HBR, January 31, 2017.

Giving people permission to challenge, disagree, and argue isn’t enough. To be a good team member requires you actually practice constructive debate and tolerance of others’ ideas and differences.

If you aren’t good with conflict, you can learn to be. One of the best ways to expand your skills to improve team member effectiveness is to work with a professional coach.

As Walter Lippmann said, “Where all think alike, no one thinks very much.”

Can We Really Fix Dysfunctional Teams?

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Organizations waste vast amounts of time, effort and money each year by failing to recognize or correct dysfunctional teams.
A PricewaterhouseCoopers study of 200 global companies across various sectors―involving more than 10,000 projects―found less than 3% successfully completed their plans. Similar research reveals 60%–70% project failure rates. In the United States alone, IT project failures cause estimated losses of up to $150 billion per year.
Dysfunctional teams cannot be blamed for all business failures, but they play a major role in unsuccessful projects and missed goals. In his acclaimed bestseller, organizational consultant Patrick Lencioni identifies The Five Dysfunctions of a Team:

  • Absence of trust
  • Fear of conflict
  • Lack of commitment
  • No accountability
  • Lack of attention to results

Leaders must address these dysfunctions if their teams are to have any chance of success.

“The true measure of a team is that it accomplishes the results that it sets out to achieve. …It requires levels of courage and discipline―and emotional energy―that even the most driven executives don’t always possess.” ~ Patrick Lencioni, (Jossey-Bass, 2002)

1. Absence of Trust
Trust is the foundation for all human interactions and the key to a functional team. Lack of trust is the core dysfunction, the one that leads to all other problems.
Several group behaviors demonstrate distrust. Team members may have low confidence in others. They may fear that any sign of personal weakness could be used against them. Consequently, people are unwilling to be vulnerable, transparent or open when exchanging ideas or expressing their feelings. Those who avoid exposure to criticism resist asking for help and hesitate before offering it to others.
A lack of trust creates defensiveness in team members, notes leadership consultant Roger M. Schwarz in Smart Leaders, Smarter Teams (Jossey-Bass, 2013). Defensive team members feel the need to protect themselves, he explains in “Get a Dysfunctional Team Back On Track” (Harvard Business Review).
An absence of trust undermines the relationships team members need to work together successfully. Without trust, there’s insufficient communication, cooperation and participation. Leaders who want to rebuild trust can try the following strategies:

  • Vulnerability: Create an environment in which team members can safely feel vulnerable. Draw out people’s personal experiences by sharing your own stories, thereby setting the proper tone and lowering barriers. Recognize that it takes determination and resolve to restore trust.
  • Honest Feedback: Team members must learn how to provide feedback. Acknowledging and affirming others with constructive feedback set the stage for positive reinforcement and encouragement. Consistent, honest feedback can then become habitual, which fortifies trust.
  • Authenticity: Practice humility to tear down walls. If you and your team can admit that you don’t know everything, the experience will be freeing. Remind the team that everyone is in the same boat, everyone is in the process of learning, and no one has all the answers. Each member contributes to the group’s problems and solutions.
  • Integrity: Model integrity in group dynamics. Everything you do is magnified and often copied. When you “walk the talk,” others will follow your example. Integrity and trust become contagious. Noble character (doing what’s right for each other) reduces defensiveness and distrust.

2. Fear of Conflict
Lack of trust within a team easily leads to fear of conflict, confrontation, criticism and/or reprisal. When teammates and leaders are seen as potential threats, people adopt avoidance tactics. This sets up an artificial harmony that has no productive value. There is no true consensus, just a risk-preventing sentiment of “yes” feedback. True critique is avoided. Genuine solutions are not explored, and the team functions poorly.
This dynamic allows a domineering team member to take over, with a unilateral-control mentality. Dominant personalities believe they’re always correct, and anyone who disagrees is wrong and disloyal. Independent ideas are stifled. Negative feedback creates discomfort. People’s spirits and self-esteem eventually plummet, crippling group performance.
As a leader, you must teach your team that discomfort is sometimes part of the job. People need to get used to feeling uncomfortable, to some degree. It’s part of doing business and a key dynamic among coworkers.
Conflict-resolution training can help you encourage productive debate without hurting feelings or wounding character. Trust grows, and difficult ideas can be processed to reach consensus on solutions. Once again, it’s up to you to set an example by developing this vital leadership skill.
It’s just as important to recognize when you and your team members are agreeing too quickly and to assess whether consensus is authentic. Teams often avoid discomfort by falling into “groupthink;” instead of debating solutions, members “go along just to get along.”
3. Lack of commitment
When teams lack trust and fear conflict, they’re likely to avoid commitment. We focus on self-preservation and maintaining amicable relationships. As we attempt to avoid confrontation, we stop listening to others’ concerns. Discussions become superficially polite.
Most people can sense when someone isn’t listening to their ideas or questions. This single dynamic―often subtle―will shut down team engagement and commitment, and tension continues to grow.
Teammates who are cut off or ignored feel left out. They’re less committed to team effort, so they’re unlikely to “get with the program.” It becomes difficult for a team to move forward amid stalled decisions or incomplete assignments. Enthusiasm for projects takes a nosedive, and confrontations become commonplace. Some members even stop caring about whether the team succeeds.
Lack of commitment also becomes a problem when you fail to convey clear goals or direction. People are left to wonder what they’re supposed to do, and the team’s success is no longer their top priority. They mentally check out and just start going through the motions.
You can reestablish commitment by prompting team members to ask questions. When you invite dialogue, teammates learn more about each other. They’ll see others’ intentions, attitudes, motives and mindsets more clearly, eliminating the need to guess or assume.
Successful team leaders solicit all opinions, positions and ideas, while affirming those who offer them. They make a point of considering all input, which conveys a sense of worthiness to team members.
When teams have clear plans and directions, members become infused with confidence and commitment. People want to be led in ways that assure success and fulfillment.
4. No Accountability
If you fail to reverse a lack of commitment, dysfunctions will intensify. Team members will lose their sense of accountability. If there’s little buy-in, there’s no desire to meet obligations, follow directions or help others. This is most common in environments where progress isn’t adequately assessed and definitive project schedules don’t exist.
When directions are unclear and roles are ill defined, people have less impetus to account for their performance or progress. In extreme cases, progress is not even possible. Lack of clarity has people confused, frustrated or apathetic. There can even be uncertainty as to who is on the team. Members may shift on or off, or have duties reversed, dropped or unspecified. People will have no sense of interdependency, and the team’s reason for existence is lost.
Work toward establishing clear directions, standards and expectations. All team members need to work with the same information set at all times. Realistic, understandable schedules help drive activities and allow work flow to meet interconnected goals.
Activity tracking methods should clearly report which tasks are on time and which are late. Corrective action plans should make the necessary adjustments and redirect activities accordingly. Accountability can be restored under inclusive project management. People will want to avoid letting down their boss and each other.
5. Inattention to Results
Without team accountability, the criticality of group success is lost in the shuffle. Self-preservation and self-interest trump results in a climate of distrust and fear. Your inability to track results leaves you with no way to judge ongoing success or failure, progress or pitfalls. No one is praised for good results, and no one is corrected for the lack thereof. As this trail of dysfunction reaches its fatal end, it won’t be long before the team is disbanded.
This type of team scenario is logged as yet another failure. Leaders who allow this to happen may not be capable of learning from their mistakes, and their ability to prevent similar results in the future is severely compromised.
Effective project management methods must track progress toward intermediate and final goals. Affirm team members (and their interdependence) through their accomplishments and struggles. This draws them together and lets them know they’re valuable to the organization, team and, ultimately, themselves.
Working through issues and encouraging people to provide candid responses foster the discipline needed to reverse a trail of dysfunction. Your people will focus less on self-preservation and more on the group’s efforts to achieve common goals.
The process begins with trust. If you establish trust from the start, you’re on the road to minimizing dysfunctions. Even if your team is deeply entrenched in a project before trust is built, it’s not too late to assess functioning. Take advantage of continuing-education opportunities, leadership training and executive coaching to help prevent dysfunction pitfalls.
Team coaching is also recommended, as it teaches skills and tactics for contributing to organizational success, thereby reversing any longstanding trends of project failure.

In Search of Self-Confidence

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Even successful people want more self-confidence. People who exude self-assurance easily influence others, get more promotions, earn more money, and seem to have more fun and success.

Some people naturally seem to have it; perhaps they were born lucky with the right kind of parents. However, no one gives you self-confidence; it is something each of us has to develop on our own. In any case, knowing a few strategies for improving self-confidence will ensure that you can improve confidence and reap the benefits.

Everyone has a baseline of confidence. Some people have unshakable confidence built upon strong foundations; others find their confidence level is a bit shaky when faced with mistakes, criticisms and failures.

Lack of self-confidence afflicts a lot of people, but it’s usually hidden and denied. A false bravado does a poor job of replacing authentic self-belief; in fact, it’s a recipe for self-fulfilling failures.

Often the problem goes undetected, as many people try to cover up insecurities by over-achieving. That doesn’t work because of the negativity bias of the brain. We never forget errors and deficits. We carry around negative scripts from childhood, from parents, siblings, and school teachers. This undermines confidence. No one is immune; every one of us carries a kernel of under-confidence and self-doubt.

“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you’re right.” ~ Henry Ford, U.S. industrialist

False Confidence

Many seemingly successful people lack sensitivity to what is authentic confidence vs. hubris. At work, some of us become skilled at projecting “executive presence” and self-assurance. Our ability to influence others depends on coming across as secure, knowledgeable and expert. We walk around trying to convince others we’re confident, competent, and trustworthy.

Yet a large part of that is done in an effort to convince ourselves—to override that little voice inside that whispers “not good enough,” or “imposter,” or “maybe they won’t notice it’s not perfect.” We need to sort out authentic self-beliefs from left-over childhood scripts, and be aware of when we’re compensating by buying into our own press releases.

Self-doubt and lack of self-confidence is pervasive and universal yet few of us admit to our insecurities (unless to our executive coach in private, and even then, guardedly). It forms in early childhood, during those formative first six years.

“Impatient parents, critical siblings, inept teachers all can turn the impressionable and moldable young child into someone lacking the basic tools for confidence. Yet this doesn’t condemn us. It just means we have to develop the required attributes for confidence as adults.” ~ Robert Kelsey, What’s Stopping You Being More Confident? (Capstone 2012)

Authentic Confidence

Even leaders aren’t immune. They often lack authentic self-confidence; instead, they cling to status symbols in an effort to prove their worth. In fact, many over-achievers are driven to suppress inner fears by outwardly proving to the world they are worthy. Over-confidence often stems from self-doubt and insecurities. It doesn’t make the lack of self-confidence go away. It is a fragile substitute that crumbles with criticism and mistakes.

Lack of self-confidence thrives on negative self-talk and messages that tell us we’re no good or not good enough. Such negative messages sabotage our best intentions when we give in to it. But then when we don’t give in to it, when we try to deny its existence, we end up over-confident, over-promising to others, and inauthentic. This isn’t a Catch-22. As experienced self-doubters, we get really good at covering up insecurities, but the smarter approach is to own them and work with them.

The Building Blocks of Self-Confidence

Two main qualities contribute to real self-confidence: self-efficacy and self-esteem.

  • We gain a sense of self-efficacy when we see ourselves mastering skills and achieving goals that matter. This is the confidence that, if we learn and work hard in a particular area, we’ll succeed; and it’s this type of confidence that leads people to accept difficult challenges, and persist in the face of setbacks.
  • This overlaps with the idea of self-esteem, which is a more general sense that we can cope with what’s going on in our lives, and that we have a right to be happy.

The Confidence-Achievement Link

“If you want confidence, get out there and do something. Achieve. Because nothing can replace the confidence of achievement. When it comes to confidence, achievement is gold, silver and bronze all rolled into one.” ~ Robert Kelsey, What’s Stopping You Being More Confident? (Capstone 2012)

Some people believe that self-confidence can be built with affirmations and positive thinking. There’s some truth in this, but it’s just as important tobuild self-confidence by setting and achieving goals―thereby building competence. Without this underlying competence, you don’t have self-confidence: you have shallow over-confidence, with all of the issues, upset and failure that this brings.

What’s stopping you?

Leadership Challenges: Fear of Failure

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Of all the challenges leaders face, none is more pervasive yet hidden than fear of failure.

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” – Robert F. Kennedy

Leadership is a tough job that requires courage. Doubts, insecurities and fears make organizational challenges more difficult and, in extreme cases, insurmountable. No matter how confident you may appear, anxiety can occur at pivotal times in your career.

Fears are normal emotions that emerge in times of crisis. It’s been said that courage has no benchmark unless one grasps the reality of fear. Fears are real, often strong and quite disruptive, but your response to them defines your leadership hardiness.

Fearful leaders can debilitate their organizations’ ability to function, compromising productivity, decision-making, strategic thinking and employee management. They’re likely to experience issues in their personal lives, as well.

Organizations rely on their leaders to set a vision; provide direction; and implement plans that instill trust, confidence and the performance needed to meet desired goals. Leaders must possess strength and determination to face these challenges and overcome barriers on the way to success.

The task of managing people, with their various motivations, strengths and weaknesses, can prove daunting. Organizational dynamics, rapidly changing markets and tough competition only add to leaders’ challenges.

Even heroes have fears, to some degree. But they do what’s required despite their fears, ultimately becoming stronger in the process.

Fear of failure can sometimes be suppressed, but when this proves impossible, you can no longer ignore it. You must deal with it.

Recognize the Signs

Fear of failure has several telltale—and observable—signs. You’re likely to set your ambitions too low or too high, explains entrepreneurship expert Robert Kelsey, author of What’s Stopping You?: Why Smart People Don’t Always Reach Their Potential and How You Can (Capstone, 2012).

Goals set too low reflect a lack of self-confidence and a fear of achieving normal benchmarks, he explains in a 2012 CNN.com article.

Conversely, goals set too high serve as a mask for your insecurities. Failure is expected, as no one could possibly achieve these targets—which means there shouldn’t be any criticism. Liken it to an attempt to swim the English Channel in rough seas: No one is expected to accomplish it, so we bestow admiration on those who try, yet fail.

A second sign of fear of failure is a tendency to procrastinate as an avoidance tactic. If you can put off achieving a goal, you can also delay the dreaded failure. Look for unfounded hesitancy, second-guessing and finding “reasons” to delay or alter plans.

University of Ottawa psychologist Timothy Pychyl describes research that shows a direct inverse correlation between people’s sense of autonomy, competence, relatedness and vitality and their tendency to procrastinate in a 2009 Psychology Today article.

Other signs of fear of failure include:

  • A consistent pattern of indecision
  • Anxiety over risks or change
  • An excessive desire or attempt to control circumstances
  • An inability to delegate or trust others to perform tasks “correctly”
  • Perfectionism (often leading to micromanagement)
  • An overriding fear of “things going wrong”
  • Obsessing over details
  • Making sure everything is “just so”

The Causes

Several factors contribute to developing a fear of failure. A childhood history of pain or suffering can lead you to anticipate the worst and expect negative outcomes. Growing up around fearful people also plays a role, as does a lack of positive adult role models. Children in these environments struggle to learn optimism and perseverance.

Traumatic experiences framed by failure can train your mind to distrust life in general. Past humiliations and rejections can scar one’s spirit to the point of dismay and fear.

Placing too high a value on a specific goal transforms it into an unrealistic objective. This can distort reality to the point of obsession and magnify the possibility of failure. The dire need to obtain something creates the illusion that life will be awful if the goal isn’t accomplished; the consequent failure becomes traumatic. This all-or-nothing perspective has a potentially crushing outcome, one to be truly feared.

Perhaps the common denominator for all causes of fear of failure is an overarching sense of purposelessness or worthlessness—or, as Pychyl describes it, a low sense of self.

Our culture often convinces us that losing face is to be avoided at all costs, adds Kelsey. Regardless of our background, nothing feels as hopeless as life without meaning. Rejection or humiliation from failure can prompt feelings of worthlessness. At this level of despair, we may choose an attitude of fear in an effort to prevent failure, but it backfires when fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Perspective Is Everything

Living with a frequent fear of failure is a significant personal struggle. While fear may not be completely eliminated, it can be overcome, Kelsey notes. A major shift in perspective is required—something with which an experienced leadership coach can assist you.

Begin by recognizing that no one is immune to failure. It happens to everyone. Coming to grips with fear, understanding that it’s real and knowing if it’s affecting your leadership (and life) are steps in the right direction. Fear is not always bad. Healthy fears allow us to respect and remain aware of potential hazards.

But many fears are unhealthy, including the fear of failure. It’s perfectly OK—and, in fact, advisable—to name it for what it is and devise strategies for dealing with it. It’s admirable to watch someone admit a fear and make the decision to address it. It’s painful to watch someone deny or hide behind a fear, allowing it to take over. Such fears are seldom secret. Others see you struggle, so hiding behind a fear doesn’t work.

Another positive shift in perspective is recognizing that people survive failures all the time. Failure is really not the black cloud some believe it to be. It’s rarely the final blow. Life goes on. If you worry about other people judging you, your fears are likely overblown. Everyone has experienced failure at one time or another, so it tends to make us less critical of others.

Failure actually has intrinsic benefits. We learn and grow through failing. Wisdom, work ethic, strength and self-improvement are seldom attributable to a continued string of successes. There’s no better way to discover your strengths and weaknesses than through failure’s lessons. People admire humility and openness, which engender trust.

And while we’re on the subject, what exactly is a “failure”? Is setting out to achieve a worthy goal, applying your best efforts and coming up short the true definition? How does this compare to someone who does nothing or gives less than his best effort? Most of us would agree: Failure is the act of not trying, giving up or not caring. Perspective is everything.

Fear: Name It, Claim It, Reframe It

Several process-oriented changes can lessen the effects of failure or reduce its likelihood. In general, conquering fear is a process of naming it, claiming it and reframing it.

  • Assess the possible outcomes of a given situation. Make a list of the general causes and probabilities of each outcome. Most of the time, the likelihood of success is greater than that of failure if you apply your best planning and management efforts. Failure is often a more remote outcome. In many cases, a few simple actions can significantly reduce your chances of failure, making it less of a threat.
  • Recall past experiences where positive outcomes occurred in situations where failure was possible. A track record of positive results is not an accident. You devised plans and allocated resources that set you up for success. Sometimes, a fear of failure leads you to believe that doom is a random, come-out-of-nowhere strike of fate. In most cases, however, several unfortunate missteps must occur to generate a bona fide failure. Even if this sequence is initiated, you can make adjustments to counter it. In other words, failure rarely strikes out of the blue. It’s not that ominous.
  • Reflect on colleagues’ experiences. Even when failure hit them, did it do them in? Not likely. They kept going, adjusting, learning, growing and getting better at their jobs. They may have experienced a dip, but they recovered in the long run—in some cases, actually improving their situations. This is not uncommon.
  • Focus on the journey instead of fixating on the destination. We usually experience achievement in incremental steps, as we plan, adjust, correct and celebrate. Individual steps are easier to grasp and foresee, and failure is less likely as this process plays out. If failure becomes a concern, handle it incrementally, as well.
  • Set smaller, achievable goals to build confidence and moderate risks. Raise the bar gradually to enhance self-assurance. Emphasize the positive aspects of each step, while correcting or adjusting, to minimize the negative aspects. Choose your areas of focus. Before long, you can manage greater opportunities and risks with more courage and confidence.
  • Ask for help or advice, when necessary. You’ll feel more secure when trusted colleagues, mentors or coaches offer input and guidance. They can help reinforce action plans and improve your chances of success. There’s no need to go it alone.

Successful leaders make failure something to be grasped and managed, not feared. You and your organization will enjoy greater success when you learn to master your fear of failure.

How to Motivate Other People

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No matter what your full-time job or role in life, most of us are part-time motivators. We not only have to motivate ourselves, but others as well. We need colleagues to complete tasks, partners to do their share, and children to become self-sufficient and responsible.

If it weren’t hard enough to motivate ourselves when tired or bored, it’s even harder to persuade others into action. Motivating others is even more challenging when tasks are difficult, unclear, or distant from any immediate reward.

In spite of all that’s known about motivation, we continue to misunderstand it and fail to make good use of its true nature. We make assumptions about what drives people, grossly over-estimating the value of external rewards and under-estimating the power of simple appreciation and recognition.

The Search for Meaning

Motivating others can’t be reduced to a formula or list of steps to check off. That’s unfortunate for managers, team leaders, and parents. Yet everyone can do a better job of getting others to participate in needed tasks.

“It’s about connecting more deeply to what we do, to the outcome of our efforts, to others, and to our relationships.” Dan Ariely, Payoff: The Hidden Logic that Shapes Our Motivations, Simon & Schuster/TED, 2016.

Motivation drives us to achieve tasks that are difficult, challenging, and painful. We use motivation when there’s something that must be done to achieve a larger goal. When we are motivated, we will do things without joy and under unpleasant conditions. This is because the things that give a sense of meaning to life aren’t always the things that make us happy.

Humans care more deeply about meaning than simple happiness. Most of us will do whatever it takes to find meaning and feelings of connection. We motivate ourselves in a quest to find a purpose or cause bigger than ourselves and our daily routines.

“Knowing what drives us and others is an essential step toward enhancing the inherent joy – and minimizing the confusion – in our lives,” writes Dan Ariely.

Negative Motivation

In the global workforce today, more than 50 percent of employees are disengaged while only about 17 percent are “actively disengaged” according to recent Gallup data. Gallup has been collecting surveys on employee engagement since 2000 and the problem of lack of motivation has risen steadily by 2 percent a year.

Negative motivation is a big problem. When people are disengaged they show up late, leave early, fail to keep good records, do the minimum, steal things, abuse privileges, and occasionally sabotage their employers- intentionally or unintentionally.

The reasons for disengagement at work are complex and not easily remedied. Incentive programs and external rewards can only do so much and are often ineffective for motivating those who are already disengaged. Research shows that people dramatically underappreciate the extent and depth to which a feeling of accomplishment influences people.

Unfortunately – whether at work, at play, or at home – we quite easily become offenders against human motivation when we ignore, criticize, disregard or destroy the work of others.

The Power of Acknowledgment

Workplace motivation has been studied extensively in endless scenarios. Across the board, results show that when we are acknowledged for our work, we are willing to work harder for less pay. When we are not acknowledged, we lose much of our motivation.

What is meant by acknowledgment? It comes in many varieties but it is basically recognition of someone’s contribution, an expression of appreciation, an indication that their work is valuable and they are an important participant.

Acknowledgment is a kind of magic because strong human connections are experienced when it is given from one person to another. This reinforces social interactions and boosts motivation, energy, and cooperation in both parties.

Money isn’t the simple great motivator most of us assume it to be. Sometimes it is even a disincentive. Motivation is more complex than carrots and sticks.

What We Feel But Can’t See

We are driven by all sorts of intangible, emotional forces, some of which we are aware yet a large portion remains hidden from our own consciousness.

We all have basic needs to be recognized and to feel ownership. We want to feel a sense of accomplishment and autonomy. We want to experience a degree of control and need to know that what we say and do matters.

We crave security and will work long and hard for long-term commitments. Ultimately we strive to achieve a sense of shared purpose. We want to feel that our work and our lives matter even after death.

Knowing all this about human motivation, how can we motivate others? Can it be as simple as increasing expression of appreciation and decreasing criticism? By simply acknowledging the efforts of those working and living with us, we can increase motivation all around.

Which raises some questions. If acknowledgment is so valuable, why aren’t more managers doing it? For that matter, why doesn’t everyone ―co-workers, parents, partners, and family members―express more appreciation in order to boost motivation? Why do we continue to criticize the very people we want to motivate?

“Arguably, the most powerful motivator in the world is our connection to others.”
~ Dan Ariely